Me: Is that a Yeti cooler?
Yeti: *flicks cigarette* Cooler than what?
You Might Also Like
Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.
I had a friend named Nigel but after you’ve introduced him a few times the novelty wears off.
I just spilled a bag of popcorn kernels…but, I’m sure you guys heard my wife yelling & already knew that.
@XplodingUnicorn LOOK WHAT ARRIVED TODAY!!! SO EXCITED!!! *Dances in place*.. 😊💃
I used to be God’s gift to women but now I’m God’s gift to the clickbait advertising industry.
I ironed my dress this morning while I was wearing it. So, yes Mensa, I will join your club.
It doesn’t matter how old you get, buying snacks for a road trip should always look like an unsupervised 9-year-old was given $100.
thank us. at 3rd floor. hit yourself. you will. 3 months. from now.
A shoemaker called yesterday and yelled at me because I hadn’t picked up the boots he repaired. It’s been one week. He said they’ve been there since October. (They haven’t.) I said, “WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME?” He said he yelled at all his customers.
The Golden Globe goes to…
Burrito
… for best actor in a microwave, with a convincing performance of taking longer than necessary.
Friend: Our backstories shape us, but don’t define us
Me: Like Spanx
waiter: can i show you to the table
me: sure
waiter: here he is
table: [unimpressed noises]
I come from a time when my belly was flat and my TV was fat
Now my TV is flat and my belly is…OOOOO LOOK OREO’s
13YO: Why’s he happy? He got dog-piled.
Me: He made a lot of groundage before getting put down.
Husband: Yardage. Tackled. PLEASE LEAVE.
If you get banned off Twitter now, you get X-communicated
aaaaand send
It’s too bad The Carpenters never got to do a project with MC Hammer and Nine Inch Nails.
ZUCKERBERG: im ready to answer any questions u might have about facebook
84-YEAR-OLD SENATOR: excellent. mr zuckerberg my farmville farm needs more pigs but i cannot figure out where to purchase them
My friend’s DoorDash was stolen by a raccoon right after the same thing happened in Florida and I think we might have an orca situation going on here.
I got a shopping cart today with 4 working wheels, it was full of lingerie models and self confidence and I was dreaming
I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.
First date tip: Laugh at all his jokes, even bad ones. Men love it. Laugh louder. If he begs you to stop…laugh harder. This is good advice
17: Want to see a movie?
Me: Sure.
17: Afternoon show only, so no one sees us together.
Me: Ok. *Posts pic on IG. Tags all her friends.
” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”
-God
*train conductor after 15 minutes not moving* ladies and gentlemen you wouldn’t believe the amount of buttons im looking at right now
Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.
Me: My dad must be rolling in his grave right now.
Friend: Why, do you think he’d be disappointed in you?
Me: No. I had him buried in a cement mixer. It was way cheaper than a casket.
I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.
Nothing starts a conversation quite like wearing a tiara in Walmart.
Science in 140. Carbon. A nonmetallic, tetravalent element which forms the basis of all known life, the result of unprotected carbon dating.