@ThugRaccoons

Me: Is that a Yeti cooler?

Yeti: *flicks cigarette* Cooler than what?

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@CourtneyBale

[courtroom]
Timothy: I was not involved
Victor: Nor was I
Lawyer: You could say it was a Vic-, Tim-less cri-
Judge: You’re all going to jail

@iheartgunts

A rap battle but it’s just Keanu Reeves saying “Whoa” versus Owen Wilson saying “Wow.”

@rcromwell4

My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.

@Mom_Overboard

So weird that my kids will touch every handle in the house except the one that flushes the toilet

@caithuls

ME: So it’s like a spank bank for your feelings?

THERAPIST: Most people just call it a journal, but sure

@Contwixt

“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.

@TheBoydP

All I’m saying is if the toilet still flushes when the power and gas goes out, why don’t we run more things on toilet power?

@roxiqt

Salad kits are great when you want to pretend you are trying to be healthy but also don’t have the energy to go outside and chop cabbages off of your cabbage tree and summon the Ranch God.

@OpenClassMX

My actual wife and my twitter wife are talking via Kik. I will be camping in the woods forever if you need me.