Me: Is that a Yeti cooler?
Yeti: *flicks cigarette* Cooler than what?
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outlook: I’m the most powerful office tool ever made. I can search every email you’ve ever received and keep track of the meetings you have six months from now
me: I would like to still view an attachment after someone replies to the email
outlook: [confused hissing]
when i don’t respond right away: i’m busy, they’ll understand
when someone takes more than three minutes to respond to me: wow ok judas
Please don’t tell my kids they haven’t got a pet chameleon.
Pay no attention to the man behind the crouton!
I never related to movies as a kid. Like in Home Alone when Kevin says to his Mother “I am upstairs you dummy” I couldn’t understand how he was still alive after that.
Facebook marketplace is a different world
How can anyone look at a Roomba in action and think we’re anywhere close to self-driving cars?
The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”
my uncle ben died but it wasn’t my fault, do i still have to fight crime?
i have a lot to offer! most of it’s bad but it’s still a lot
whenever i see a baby, i take its candy. i need the win more than the baby does.
“Have you had a shower today?”
Yes, but thank you for clarification that it hasn’t made me look neat, fresh or washed
Instead of saying you lost your eyesight due to an explosion while you were making meth, just tell people that you were blinded by science.
“There are way too many people in there.”
~my 7yo’s review of Where’s Waldo
“It’s about coming of age in an insane asylum built on a space station designed like a haunted castle theme park, while a rival galaxy leader time travels to learn ghost battle techniques, and a rogue viral plagued prison planet is pinballing towards Earth.” ~me pitching a novel
GF: I’m leaving you because you’re obsessed with Spanish puns and Despicable Me.
ME: Please don’t go. You’re Juan in a minion.
and now a text from my mom:
are you okay??? you didn’t like my fb post about making jam, so I got worried
Me yesterday: I’m gonna get so much done during this quarantine
Me today: 2pm time for bed
Amazing how each of the kids in Willy Wonka was written to represent a different deadly sin: pride, gluttony, sloth, chewing gum until you become a blueberry, greed, etc.
[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]
*extended period of silence*
“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”
Live your life so that a group of nuns sings a whole song about trying to solve a problem like you
When we were dating my wife never once tried to take any of my hoodies. I have 3 teenage daughters and my hoodies are nowhere to be found.
I never saw it coming. Well played ladies.
Me pretending to be shocked when they announced my boss got fired this morning like I didn’t interview for her position last week.
Sexting:
Him: What do you like in the bedroom?
Me: Sleeping.
Him: No, I meant what can I do to make you happy in the bedroom?
Me: Close the door on your way out.
Him: No, I meant…
Me: Also lock the door.
Saw Paul Rudd trending and thought oh god no has he aged very slightly
Safety first
imagine you’re in the afterlife – FINALLY getting a chance to chill out a bit – when your selfish friends and family try making you talk to them through a ouija board, like omg go away I JUST sat down
Asking for a donation like Wikipedia every time someone asks me a question
“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats