Went for a drug test today in my glasses with a mask on the entire time. I could have sent someone else.
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E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.
It isn’t enough to know you liked my tweet. I need a play by play. I want Twitter to tell me “Carl saw your tweet”. “Carl misinterpreted your tweet and had to read it again.” “Carl is now laughing at your tweet.”
Me: I need you to leave the house for the next 3-4 days
Hubs: What?! Why?
Me: It may or may not have to do with the amount of Amazon boxes that we will be receiving very soon
This picture says the only time the queen has ever used a knife before this moment, is to kill someone.
I’v been catfishing my best friend Dave for the last 3 weeks. He’s gunna pay me that $50 he owes me or I’m showing these emails to his wife.
Anytime I’m using a stall in a public restroom and someone knocks on the door, I always say, “Did you bring the lube?” As loud as possible.
told my dad about a rough patch i went through mentally and he asked in a concerned voice whether i’d still managed to take my car in for routine maintenance
Serendipity requires the hardest driving rain occurs during the walk from your car to the office door.
Don’t bore a girl by saying she’s beautiful, like every other shallow creep
Grab her interest by saving her from a staged hostage situation
Starting to suspect my wife was royalty in a previous life and I was her official food taster.
I think the implication that you might want to share your Kit Kat with 3 friends seems unreasonable.
I’m trying to envision something more fitting than this election actually ending in a Biden-Trump fist fight and i cannot
[Spelling bee]
Judge: “Your word is unhelpful.”
Kid: “Can you use it in a sentence please?”
Judge: “Nope.”
Read It and Weep: A Book on How to Cry
I read that Miley Cyrus will be starring in a remake of Silence of the Lambs.
She’ll be playing Hannibal Montannibal.
Italians keep plastic on their couches because it’s easier to clean up the murder scene
I would learn how to backflip but i’m saving spinal injuries for after i’m 60
a toddler pointed at me earlier and said “baby” and i nodded. it’s true. i am also a baby. real recognise real
(with the most anger i’ve ever experienced in my life) ok sounds good
A dressed cheeseburger implies the existence of a cheeseburger that’s still deciding what to wear.
Me: it’s time to go
Kids: wait. I cannot possibly leave without my emotional support toothpick but I don’t know where it is
Someone please tell me this is for something other than a baby conference/infant symposium
I haven’t had one mouth papercut since I stopped flossing with business cards
There’s absolutely no way Lady Gaga was born with half an Office Depot hot-glued to her head.
50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.
The three genders
Somebody in my gang is an undercover police horse. I’ve narrowed it down to Dave, Kyle and Sugarcube
Most people will give you their jacket if you’re naked and tell them you come from the future.
I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.
All I’ve ever really wanted is a modest little home, nothing fancy. A usable kitchen, a yard for the dog, a sprawling bookcase-accessible secret Victorian library with a minimum of three rolling ladders and a kindly ghost librarian. I don’t ask for much.