Me: is the fish fishy?
Waiter: it’s a mild fish.
Me: so it’s mildly fishy?
Waiter, to my husband: is she-
Husband: Yes, she’s always like this.

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My neighbors are drunk & climbing up the balcony. Or possibly being robbed. Whatever.


Whenever you feel depressed, imagine someone tickling Kristen Stewart.



“How would you describe your people skills?”

ME: I tend to drive others away.

“That’s great! Welcome to Uber.”


My son is happy I’m staying off twitter until he goes to bed so as to spend more time with him.
He is not happy with his new 6pm bedtime


If everyone would stop screaming, I’m sure we’d all agree I’m not supposed to be in this women’s restroom.


I’m not self medicating myself with booze. The guy at the liquor store wrote me a prescription.

Well he called it a receipt…whatever.


Me: On today’s episode of Inside the Actor’s Studio….apartment….

Ryan Reynolds: How did you get in here?


Justin Timberlake: I’m bringing sexy back

Sexy: *nervously* uh no thanks I’ll get an Uber