@Parkerlawyer

Me: is the fish fishy?
Waiter: it’s a mild fish.
Me: so it’s mildly fishy?
Waiter, to my husband: is she-
Husband: Yes, she’s always like this.

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@Ms612

My neighbors are drunk & climbing up the balcony. Or possibly being robbed. Whatever.

@KKAlThani

Whenever you feel depressed, imagine someone tickling Kristen Stewart.

@Book_Krazy

[interview]

“How would you describe your people skills?”

ME: I tend to drive others away.

“That’s great! Welcome to Uber.”

@sofarrsogud

My son is happy I’m staying off twitter until he goes to bed so as to spend more time with him.
He is not happy with his new 6pm bedtime

@weinerdog4life

If everyone would stop screaming, I’m sure we’d all agree I’m not supposed to be in this women’s restroom.

@chrisanna4real

I’m not self medicating myself with booze. The guy at the liquor store wrote me a prescription.

Well he called it a receipt…whatever.

@ThugRaccoons

Me: On today’s episode of Inside the Actor’s Studio….apartment….

Ryan Reynolds: How did you get in here?

@Mom_Overboard

Justin Timberlake: I’m bringing sexy back

Sexy: *nervously* uh no thanks I’ll get an Uber