Me: is the fish fishy?
Waiter: it’s a mild fish.
Me: so it’s mildly fishy?
Waiter, to my husband: is she-
Husband: Yes, she’s always like this.
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I bet you wouldn’t stand on a running horse and jump through a flaming hoop of fire for me. Yeah, that’s smart.
Daughter: will you help me with my philosophy paper.
Me: who are you writing about?
Daughter: I haven’t picked anyone yet.
Me: sounds like you put Descartes before dehorse lol.
Daughter: seriously?
Me:
Daughter:
Me: Kant stop won’t stop : )
This toilet won’t flush!!
Cop: “Sir, will you please step out of the phone booth”
I want to marry somebody as funny as me. Imagine we both laughing because we forgot to pick the kids up from school
“We’re gonna need more chalk.”
– detective who discovers my body
keep your circle small. bridesmaid’s dresses are expensive.
I just hit my toe and it was at that moment I realized I spoke 4 different languages
Strudel me like one of your toaster girls
The judge dismissing my Monopoly get out of jail free card is why I have trust issues
Robin: “Clowns to the left of me, Joker’s to the right. Here I am, stuck in the middle with you.”
Batman: “Shut up.”
SURGEON: I’m afraid that your Grandma is very critical
ME: Oh no
SURGEON: She *starts to tear up* she said I have a stupid haircut
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *adjusting his bowtie* truffles
me: how do you say one in Spanish anyway
them: uno
me: no i don’t
Redheaded guys know they can just dye their hair, right? They don’t have to live like that.
[during sex]
HER: can you turn off the light
ME: I thought you liked my mining helmet
ME: haha u dare me to take off all my clothes and run thru this park
COP: no
ME: wow I cant believe ur making me do this lol
COP: I’m not
message to the girl on the skateboard who almost rode into me because she was taking an enormous bite of a hotdog and not paying attention: i love you. you are my wife now. i will never hurt you.
I notice you only call when you want something
Person calling: ma’am your bill is 90 days past due
I’ve decided it’s time to fall in love again.
*orders southern fried chicken sandwich with extra pickles*
It’s like the girl sitting in front of me on this bus doesn’t want me to braid her hair.
“Dad, are those sirens?”
“Keep your eyes on the road.”
“I think they’re chasing us!”
“You said you wanted a sister.”
“I know, but-”
“So we got you a sister.”
“That isn’t what-”
“JUST STEER THE BIKE, BOY!”
do u think theres a butter planet?
“Wanna feel old..?”
No. Next question.
A 41 year old gymnast is competing in her 7th Olympics. I just texted my son and offered him $5 to come downstairs and hand me the remote.
PATIENT: How tough was medical school for a dog like you?
DR DOG: *thinking back on all the homework he ate* It wasn’t easy
Interviewer: says here you have been roofing your entire life
Dog: that is correct
Attack today with a positive attitude. Absolutely destroy it with good vibes. Murder its family with hope.
If people are going to judge me they should at least hold up scorecards so I know how I’m doing.
It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails
But when it does,
no one is shocked