Me: is the fish fishy?
Waiter: it’s a mild fish.
Me: so it’s mildly fishy?
Waiter, to my husband: is she-
Husband: Yes, she’s always like this.
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Tired of rap songs starting with MC going “uhuh uhuh…One two one two…Let’s do this…” No. You shoulda been ready when the song started.
Omg, will you pick ONE name and stick with it ffs
– my dog
I’m not sure why people limit themselves to snapping wishbones when there are so many excellent human bones for breaking.
bible: love thy enemy
me: loves carbohydrates
PHYSICIST: There are infinite universes, more than you can imagine
ME: That means there exists a universe in which all my tweets are funny
PHYSICIST: Not that many
Any new zombie movies that want to be believable need to include random people who walk directly up to zombies & get bitten on purpose because they think getting bitten will help them build immunity against being bitten. They also need to mock people trying to avoid being bitten.
I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon
normalize having existential bread
OUR KID WAS SOAKING WET WHEN YOU BROUGHT HIM HOME FROM SCHOOL!
Me: [water pouring from backseat] Listen, this car pool thing was your idea
My forté is using words like forté with aplomb while using words like aplomb as though it were my forté.
I don’t like calling zombies “the undead”. I think they’d prefer to be known as the nearly departed.
Me: I’m updating my fitness app. Is bowling a sport?
Him: You didn’t bowl. You kept score.
Me: Is score-keeping for bowling a sport?
[house being raided]
[swat guy crashes through window, lands on slip n slide I placed there for this exact reason and slides out front door]
Him: Can you please stop using the bananas like they are phones
Me: But how am I supposed to contact the gorillas
Him: You’re unbelievable!
Gorilla *over banana*: When are you leaving him?
I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..
But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..
7-year-old: I jumped in a puddle and almost drowned!
Me: You’re exaggerating.
7: It was in that puddle you always complain about.
Okay, it might have been deep enough.
Judge: I find you guilty of all charges
Neutron: This is some bullshit
There’s no “us” in nachos.
People who race to pull out in front of me and then go below the speed limit, explain yourselves.
Sometimes I wish I had Jesus in my life.
Mostly when I’ve run out of wine.
This house is Not going to clean itself. Apparently, I’m not either.
Detective slams his hands flat on the table:
You need to tell us what you know!Me: I don’t gossip.
[Eulogy]
Bicyclist’s Widow: He died doing what he loved; Shouting that he had the right of way.
Some people like to drink coffee for an adrenaline rush. Not me. Apparently, I like to go grocery shopping at the busiest time of the day, pick the longest checkout line, and forget my wallet.
Date: So… Tinder, huh?
Me: Yup.
Date: …
Me: This is kind of awkward.
Date: Maybe we should’ve used real pictures.
Me: You think so, MOM?
If you love someone, let them go.
If they don’t come back, get a dog.
doctor: you fell 5 feet and hit your head. you might have some brain damage
me: did i break my legs?
doctor: it was only 5 feet
me: and they’re ALL broken?!
This is Damn delicious!😋😋😋
Her: You like shopping?
Me: Oh god yes!
Her: What’s your favorite place?
Me: The grocery store. There is a whole aisle of just cheese!
The main cause of immigration is we’re still a country where people want to go, but we’re working on fixing that