As they strap me into the electric chair, I realize the warden is about to discover the 3 ounces of contraband popcorn kernels I have up my rectum.
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My resume says, “Gimme a job,” and I’ve had four recruiters reach out because I was so direct.
ME: My wife thinks I’m nuts
SQUIRREL THERAPIST: *excitedly* go on
“I think this chlorine is healing my anal fissure.” – Things not to say in a swimming pool. Apparently.
me: have you seen my hoodie?
her: you mean our hoodie???
Me with a black eye: You should see the other guy – he looks amazing. I think he moisturizes.
I thought that I heard you laughing.
I thought that I heard you sing.
I think I thought I saw you try to parallel park for twenty minutes.
Maybe she’s boing with it. Maybe it’s trampoline.
[i go to the aquarium wearing my cowboy boots and hat] “can we get extra security at the seahorse exhibit? yeah, he’s here again.”
Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago
streaming companies forgetting their entire existence is based on being slightly more convenient than piracy
The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night
When the sonographer says your ovaries look like the dark side of the moon, that’s good, right?
I understand that t-shirt guns exist but what about shooting pants at people? This seems useful too
It’s the 13th anniversary of “Umbrella”. What a good excuse for…
As Ross and Rachel loaded their rifles, Joey prepped the van, and Phoebe hacked the camera feed, the embassy doors EXPLODED inward.
“When I hired you, I expected subtlety!” screamed Monica.
“Hey,” Chandler shrugged, tossing his cigarette. “Bought a Bing, bought a boom.”
*naked in boots*
Omg I’m gonna win this Shrek costume contest
Today I’m golfing.
Thoughts and prayers for nearby homeowners.
I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.
[marriage counseling]
Ginny- He always hides from our problems.
Therapist- Is this true?
Harry- *puts on invisibility cloak* No.
As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over
gonorrhea would’ve been a good name for a diarrhea medicine.
I’m trying to explain to my mother how to get pictures off her phone, while we’re on the phone, and everything is awful.
The chicken coup is unlocked!
“Don’t you mean the chicken coop?”
*Watches chickens carrying machine guns overthrow the farm*
No, Snowball
i’m a pretty resilient person unless something hard is happening
Think about it – every single corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person.
Stay lazy my friends.
*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost
self doubt: should I be this obsessed with lord of the rings
elf doubt: why didn’t rivendell share its prosperity with the rest of the races
the chicken crossed the road for the same reason everyone else does— to avoid running into someone it knew
[Bethsaida 28 AD]
BAKER: Such a huge crowd…I’m gonna sell so many loaves
“Five loaves please”
BAKER: Huh?
“Jesus is here”
BAKER: Sonuva
doctor: whats the problem?
me: my right leg is missing
doctor: no problemo
me:
doctor: great success, we’ve attached your leg
me: my left leg is missing now
doctor: no problemo