ATTORNEY: my client would like to confess
ME: i sell human organs on the black market
JUDGE [who needs a kidney transplant]: tell me more
Me: Is the natural state of the soul quiet or chaos?
Taco Bell cashier: Look buddy, it’s transient, shifting like water
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I like when a restaurant has cloth napkins, ’cause then I can unroll them with the calculated fervor of an assassin surveying his tools.
HAHA ME AND MY NEW BOYFRIEND QUIT SMOKING TOGETHER NO ONE WILL GET MURDERED FOR SURE.
Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?
my favorite childhood memory is fast metabolism
Husband just told our daughter we were going hiking “near the place where mommy had to pee outside”
Me: I need to go
Tequila: No stay, have a couple more
Me: I need to go to bed
Tequila: Shhhh just sleep on the floor, I got you
I stole a seat from an old man and he remarked, “Chivalry is Dead”.
I said, “I’m sorry, I didn’t know. He wasn’t even trending on Twitter”.
Kudos to dogs for enduring seven 2018s
You had me at ‘I’ve had 8 vodkas & I hate my boyfriend’