Me: Is the natural state of the soul quiet or chaos?
Taco Bell cashier: Look buddy, it’s transient, shifting like water
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him: i will see you in court!!!
me: so, you admit we’re seeing one another.
I have enough money to last me for the rest of my life…
Unless, of course, I want to buy something.
I can’t convince the kids to come for dinner yet my husband convinced them he can do backflips, but only in his backflip pants, which he has misplaced.
Karate Kid (1984) A Japanese man teaches a desperate young boy about bullying by forcing him to fix his house.
Why do we call them “restrictions,” anyway? Do you look at a life-jacket and think “there’s my drowning restriction”?
t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t
~ just dotting some i’s and crossing some t’s.
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
Dang girl are you a New Year’s Resolution? cuz I’d never keep you, I just made you up & you really never actually existed in the first place
For when Tinder doesn’t work
I can’t believe someone broke into my garage and stole my limbo stick. Like, seriously, how low can you go?
dating my last boyfriend was like being on the bachelor but not knowing I was on the bachelor
I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen
How much peanut butter do you guys usually have on your phone?
Marriage,
Or as I like to call it;
The wonder yearsWonder why she is mad this time
Wonder why my stuff is on the lawn
[hiking]
ME: I’m so tired
MOUNTAIN: please sit on my face
My super power is being able to sing along to Pearl Jam without knowing a single word
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not getting McDonald’s.
Child: Why not?
Me: We have food here.
Child: I don’t like the food here.
Me: Grilled cheese?
Child: no
Me: Hot dogs?
Child: no
Me: Chic-[20 minutes later]
Me [at drive-thru]: TWO BIG MACS AND
Are there a lot of abbreviations for Maine or is it just ME?
7: can we have an awake-over tonight?
me: an awake-over?
7: it’s like a sleepover but without the sleep
My 6yo niece grabbed all the sharpies & uttered, “I’m testing something out.” I never knew this kind of fear existed.
Getting escorted outta Panera for doing keg stands at the charged lemonade machine.
Want to know what it’s like to have kids?
1. Gather everything you own.
2. Throw it all on the floor.
3. Pick it up.
4. Repeat for infinity.
CALIBUR: I love being a calibur!
ME: Stop being a calibur. Arthur needs you.
EXCALIBUR: Ok
[Google Search History]
1. Do raccoons like to cuddle?
2. What does rabies smell like?
3. I can’t feel my face.
My parenting style is just spouting absurd ultimatums:
“Get your shoes on, or we won’t leave this house again for anything, ever.”
“Stop whining and walk, or I’ll donate your legs to someone who will appreciate them.”
“Turn off the TV, or I’m cancelling Netflix.”
They say money can’t buy happiness, but could someone just give me a lot of it and let me see for myself.
COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no
If you have three cookies and one is oatmeal raisin, you only have two cookies.
What if death gives you lemons?
What then??