Welcome to working from home. Something is now always being sawed, mowed, or jackhammered at your neighbor’s house.
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I have friends close enough to finish my sentences, but if they keep doing that, I will hang up on them.
Me: Wow that is spicy. Wooo! *fanning mouth* What is it called?
Her: Sparkling water.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
“I’m just playing Powerball for fun. I don’t expect to win”.
-me as I slowly pull out my dark magic spell book
What idiot called it jousting and not poker knight?
When I was young I really thought that people in their 40s were old and now that I’m in my 40s I can say that I was right
“It’s not you, it’s me.” -Twins looking at some family photos
[Teaching pet elephant to wash the car]
ok Stompy fill your nose with water and spray it
*elephant crushes car*
why did I name you Stompy
Does laundry while drinking
*somehow washes a lampshade
It isn’t a successful BBQ until some drunken idiot walks face first into a closed sliding glass door.
I’m fine by the way.
Naughty at 40 is a hoax
Welcome to age of joint pains and loads of stress
I had to delete Facebook because I liked too many pictures of dogs yesterday and now the newsfeed algorithm thinks I care about those people
It sucks that boomers got sports cars for their mid-life crisis but I’m probably just gonna start playing World of Warcraft again
Mispronouncing French phrases can be a real social fox piss.
It’s normal for people to change the locks and forget to tell you…right?
My girlfriend was bitten by a chicken. Now every full moon I’ll have to date a were-chicken.
(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.
Business plan :
1. hold sign that says “free hugs”2. Whisper during the hug, “it’s $50 to let go”
Oh you “like women?” Cool, name three of their early works.
Pretty unfair how gargoyles just monopolized rooftop perches.
Why do girls keep having periods when they hate them? Just stop having them , do what makes you happy ❤️
My wife asked if I wanted to go to a pig roast this summer but I’ve been fat shamed enough already this year.
Have some fun with your life: before practicing your Kegals in a supermarket line, insert a squeaky toy and watch for people’s reactions
Barista: Hangover?
Me: Motherhood.
Remember two years ago when we found out aliens exist but were too busy fighting over toilet paper to care? Good times.
Sometimes I lay in bed awake at night thinking, how did Skeletor from He-Man speak perfectly without lips or a tongue
Explain it to me like I’m five then do it for me like I’m one hundred.
I have no words
~me when I have lots of words, none of which you probably want to hear
Me: I’m nervous about mingling at the party
Wife: Just talk about stuff anyone can relate to[Party]
Me: HI I UNDERSTAND YOU TOO ARE HUMAN
2016: Everyone you love in entertainment will die!
2017: Everyone you love in entertainment is a sexual degenerate.
2018: The dog from Air Bud is the Zodiac Killer.