ME: is there a doctor on this flight??

GUY: i’m a doctor

ME: thank god! can you talk to my son? he wants to study philosophy

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Serious question: how long should your hug with the pizza delivery guy last? I don’t want things to get creepy.


I’m told as a lady in my 30s I shouldn’t wear certain things anymore – like halter tops, pigtails, and the scalps of my vanquished enemies.


Dear Human,
I don’t want to eat right this second, however there seems to be one kibble of my food missing and I can almost see the bottom of my bowl. I’m going to sing the song of my people until you fix this cruel mess.


Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.


BREAKING: Epstein autopsy reveals his teeth had become piano keys, consistent with death by piano drop


I’m looking at the serving size of Laughing Cow cheese and I see why the cow is laughing.


Cashier’s playing dumb cause I said “venti” at a non-Starbucks. You know what I mean, dude, just point me to the biggest dildo you guys got.


I don’t know what “swag” is, but I was just told Justin Bieber & Lil Wayne both claim to have it. So, I’m assuming it’s not talent.


[a person I want to be friends with so bad offers me a cigarette]

Me: oh I love these!

Them: *goes to light it for me*

Me: *already eating it*


My cat was bitten by a squirrel and I have to suck the rabies out before she slips into a double cheese burger.

–how I cancel dates