@TheHyyyype

ME: is there a doctor on this flight??

GUY: i’m a doctor

ME: thank god! can you talk to my son? he wants to study philosophy

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@AndyAsAdjective

Serious question: how long should your hug with the pizza delivery guy last? I don’t want things to get creepy.

@RandomAntics

I’m told as a lady in my 30s I shouldn’t wear certain things anymore – like halter tops, pigtails, and the scalps of my vanquished enemies.

@Kryzazy

Dear Human,
I don’t want to eat right this second, however there seems to be one kibble of my food missing and I can almost see the bottom of my bowl. I’m going to sing the song of my people until you fix this cruel mess.
-Cats

@mattZillaaaa

Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.

@pixelatedboat

BREAKING: Epstein autopsy reveals his teeth had become piano keys, consistent with death by piano drop

@Donna_McCoy

I’m looking at the serving size of Laughing Cow cheese and I see why the cow is laughing.

@MattMcElaney

Cashier’s playing dumb cause I said “venti” at a non-Starbucks. You know what I mean, dude, just point me to the biggest dildo you guys got.

@JWilsonGA

I don’t know what “swag” is, but I was just told Justin Bieber & Lil Wayne both claim to have it. So, I’m assuming it’s not talent.

@smithsara79

[a person I want to be friends with so bad offers me a cigarette]

Me: oh I love these!

Them: *goes to light it for me*

Me: *already eating it*

@FloodyHippie

My cat was bitten by a squirrel and I have to suck the rabies out before she slips into a double cheese burger.

–how I cancel dates