ME: is there a doctor on this flight??

GUY: i’m a doctor

ME: thank god! can you talk to my son? he wants to study philosophy

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I adopted a rock.

He just sits there and does nothing all day.

It still beats raising Kylo.


I don’t care how this is done. I’ll watch it because it’s incredible.


I accidentally texted my wife with voice recognition…while playing the trombone


Wife: The soap recipe calls for essential oils

Me: *pours*

Wife: And now lye

Me: I’m *not* attracted to several of the Muppets

Wife: What

Me: What


I can’t afford a vacation. So I’m just going to drink until I don’t know where I am.


[luigi places a hand on mario’s shoulder after falling off rainbow road for the millionth time]
We’re plumbers dude


When you are having a new mattress installed, remember to hide your “toys” BEFORE the movers arrive.


Before you marry a person you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet to see who they really are.