Bought a vintage grandma purse but returned it because there weren’t any butterscotch candies inside.
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I’m equally comfortable holding a guitar as I am holding a baby, I just hold them both by the neck
I think I want to be a ballerina. Or a fire dancer. Or I want to set a ballerina on fire. I don’t know. I’m still working it out.
“Is white wine all you have?”
No, I can do any
“I can’t hear you because my eyes are closed.”
– my kid, showing off my exemplary homeschool skills
Put a kid in a lake or a river and they never want to come out. Turn on a shower and it’s like you’re blasting them with nuclear waste.
Hot woman *points at my empty glass* hey, want another?
Me: Why would I want another empty glass?
[later]
Me *stops brushing teeth* hang on
I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people
Sometimes I answer the door in a towel when I get an Amazon delivery. Even if I’m wearing clothes underneath.
Phew. After THAT lunch I won’t need afternoon tea haha just kidding pass me that lasagna.
landlord put a coin-op pay box on the laundry a month into our stay so I’m looking up the manufacturer and buying a replacement key for it to steal my quarters back.
Nobody discretely coughs blood into a handkerchief while wearing a top hat anymore.
Ladies, how often do you exfoliate? I do weekly then a soothing serum and now that the boys aren’t reading anymore, are we still doing that thing where we say no holiday gifts, then act disappointed. lol I can’t stop laughing ok be cool be cool. And finish up with a night cream
British people never go down stairs they just jump out of a window and open an umbrella like Mary Poppins
They dug up a skeleton on my street. Crazy to think that somewhere out there someone is walking around without a skeleton
Apparently it’s “not normal” to ask a guy his blood type or how healthy his organs are
Turns out my teen wanted to leave for school early so we’d have time to watch Netflix in the car and not because she was eager to get to school. I know this now.
My friend’s offering to pay for a trip to NY to be her +1 for a wedding.
She’s probably going to drug me & sell my organs. *agrees to go 🙂
Go to a botanical garden? Haha, yeah, okay. Like I want to pay money to walk through a giant salad
Boss pissed me off at work today
Might microwave a tuna sandwich and leave early
Me: dude I don’t need this sort of negativity in my life right now
Bear attacking me: [bear noises]
1st wise man: I brought gold for the baby
2nd wise man: [hiding frankincense behind his back] actually that gold is from both of us
My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.
It was a picture of her at the airport.
What’s the most ridiculous rule you’ve seen a HOA enforce? Mine was the neighbour who got told off for growing the wrong kind of lavender
2017: It can’t get worse than this
DAY ONE, 2018: A YouTube star filmed a dead body for entertainment
I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…
…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.
I’ve discovered my home doesn’t have a basement.
It was just the estate agent doing that walking down the stairs thing behind the couch
I support Greenpeace because I care about environmental activism, just not enough to do any of the real work myself.
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: shape shifting
INTERVIEWER: is that so?
INTERVIEWER: yes
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
“I wonder what drinking fur would be like?”
~ Inventor of orange juice with pulp
I saw Van Gogh’s “Starry Night” hanging in a trailer I went in today, but I couldn’t get up the nerve to ask if it was the original or a print.