@FrazzleMyGimp

ME: Is there a ghost in here?

{everything shakes, dishes shatter in kitchen, books fall off shelves}

Ouija Board: {slides to no}

ME: phew

You Might Also Like

@ImABaconDonut

Me: Thanks for the sex.

Me: You’re welcome.

Me: Maybe next time we can have another person in the room.

Me: That’d be nice.

@bngzyface

[At the gym]

Him: Time for crunches.

Me: *Already shoving Doritos into my mouth* Way ahead of you.

@TheOnion

CDC Recommends Also Wearing Face Mask On Back Of Head In Case Coronavirus Attacks From Rear

@LostFelicia

I don’t outright swear in mixed company, so no, I have no idea why your kid suddenly started saying “effin bee ess.” I have my own problems.

@jilltwiss

As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees

@LCbasecamp

I don’t care how this is done. I’ll watch it because it’s incredible.

@david8hughes

So my dog’s pregnant & she’s never been in contact with another dog & I’m having a lot of accusations thrown my way.

@ThugRaccoons

Son: Dad, I’d like you to meet my girlfriend

Me: That’s a raccoon

Son:

Me: *tearing up* I’m so proud of you

@jonnysun

in other news: 8 hours from now, half the country will be screaming about tragedy and loss b/c some dudes didnt catch a ball enough times

@copymama

A robin just had chicks in a nest above our garage. Today, her babies were chirping and she just sat on them, and I’m wondering if I can use this method when my kids keep asking for snacks.