ME: Is there a ghost in here?

{everything shakes, dishes shatter in kitchen, books fall off shelves}

Ouija Board: {slides to no}

ME: phew

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Me: Thanks for the sex.

Me: You’re welcome.

Me: Maybe next time we can have another person in the room.

Me: That’d be nice.


[At the gym]

Him: Time for crunches.

Me: *Already shoving Doritos into my mouth* Way ahead of you.


CDC Recommends Also Wearing Face Mask On Back Of Head In Case Coronavirus Attacks From Rear


I don’t outright swear in mixed company, so no, I have no idea why your kid suddenly started saying “effin bee ess.” I have my own problems.


As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees


I don’t care how this is done. I’ll watch it because it’s incredible.


So my dog’s pregnant & she’s never been in contact with another dog & I’m having a lot of accusations thrown my way.


Son: Dad, I’d like you to meet my girlfriend

Me: That’s a raccoon


Me: *tearing up* I’m so proud of you


in other news: 8 hours from now, half the country will be screaming about tragedy and loss b/c some dudes didnt catch a ball enough times


A robin just had chicks in a nest above our garage. Today, her babies were chirping and she just sat on them, and I’m wondering if I can use this method when my kids keep asking for snacks.