After 10 years of appointments, I know about everything about my dental hygienist, the only thing she knows about me is “hyugh.”
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It’s finally mandatory for people to stay 6 feet away from me.
*fingerpaints your nude portrait using a can of Easy Cheese*
My skin is so dry it’s doing a PowerPoint presentation
never underestimate the power of positive thinking, and also never underestimate the power of waving a tire iron or a gun around
If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…
me: *joking* i’m always right! i’m NEVER wrong.
7: well. sometimes you are. remember when –
me: shut up
I’m so annoyed. I just spent 45 minutes filing my taxes and I only found out at the end it was a Buzzfeed quiz. I was like why does the IRS want to know what breakfast I think is “the most slay?” Anyway I’m a Ravenclaw.
Me: Alexa, tell me about your new privacy policy.
Alexa: Your next door neighbor said you guys were hillbillies.
[sees co-worker the next day after failing to kill him on purge night] mondays am i right?
Hubs: Columbus discovered America not asking for directions so why do I.
Me: He set out for India and went the wrong way.
Hubs: Oh.
Me: Yep.
Freddie Mercury: I’m just a poor boy, nobody loves me
Chorus of Dads: HI JUST A POOR BOY, I’M DAD! SPARE HIM HIS LIFE FROM THIS MONSTROSITY
Guys, the server commented on my healthy appetite as she was clearing my plate. It’s okay to eat her too, right? I didn’t have breakfast.
Every kiss begins with ‘K’ I whisper quietly to myself as I read his one letter response to my last 7 text messages.
Teacher: Write what you know.
Student: *writes “what you know.”*
Cashier: do you need bags?
Me: do any of us NEED anything?
Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too
Me: plastic please
ME: [just killing it giving my best man speech]
WIDOW: Couldn’t you have written something new?
[knock at door]
ME: yes?
COP: is there a party going on?
ME: well, it’s my dog’s birthday-
[police dog jumps out with a present in his mouth]
COP: SURPRISE
LASSIE: Arf!
What’s that girl? Timmy’s in the old well?
L: Arf arf
He’s dead? You sure?
L: Arf!
Okay here’s a check for $5K
L: ima need cash
Exposed Ashley Madison users feel hurt & betrayed, unsure if they can ever trust again.
I want rich people’s problems like government denying the permission of landing my chopper on my mansion.
Nothing good can come out of answering your landline.
Meth is short for Elizameth.
“We are Three Percenters. We are everywhere.”
If you are only 3% you cant be everywhere.
It literally says so in your name.
WAITER: u can choose between 6 chocolate desserts and carrot cake
ME: the 6 chocolate desserts please
“LINES OF COKE” is the only acceptable answer to yell from the bathroom when someone asks you a stupid question like what are you doing in there
I hate when I give people nicknames like “stupid face” on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.
There are at least 5 bearded guys on here that I think I’m only following because I thought they were the same person.
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
My Ebola outbreak brings the CDC to the yard and they’re like, sir that’s just irritable bowel syndrome.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life