Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?
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Damn it, my wife found the guy who’s been sneaking in at 11pm is the donut delivery guy. Guess I should stop pretending I’m having an affair with him.
Going viral is a great way to see that 50,000 people looked at your profile and thought, nah.
5 just asked if I was older than Grandma so Christmas at our house is canceled.
Don’t tell me who to follow Twitter, I have many years of experience finding and building relationships with dangerous maniacs and I don’t need your amateur assistance.
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: ok, I thought you were going to kill me
*person walks past me minding his business and not bothering me in any way*
“What’s this idiot doing?”
[Quiz show]
Host: “Stephen that is the… CORRECT ANSWER!!”
Me: “Oh my. I can’t believe it!”
Host: “Congratulations! You have won Who Wants to Win a Million Bears!”
Me: “This is amaz- what did you just say?”
My Girlfriend says I have a tendency to get ahead of myself.
Well she’s not my girlfriend yet….
He’s a 10, but that’s in Fahrenheit so he’s frozen.
*at party*
Guy: Want to dance?
Me: I’m sorry but I cannot, in good conscience, leave this cheese ball unattended.
“I can be nice or I can be honest.”
Oh to be a woman in the 1800s, diagnosed with hysteria and getting a lobotomy
Neighbor’s garden looking so good, I have peonies envy.
There you go again, overusing big words like some kind of tweeting sesquipedalian.
Idiot.
I wished I loved anything as much as white people love saying “gracias” at Mexican restaurants.
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires.
So, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly.
No one deals with rejection more than Internet Explorer requesting to be your default browser..
me: [gun drawn] put the receipt in the bag.
cashier: ok.
Moses: 🎶gimme one margarita imma open the sea, gimme two margaritas imma set my people free🎶
His people: ugh ya can you get off TikTok? We’re literally being chased
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
My supervisor said I’m worth my weight in gold so I’m eating these donuts to increase my value.
ME [during sex]: Ugh I love you so much babe
HER: Mmmmmm I love you too sexy
PRIEST: The kiss was all we needed
My 2-year-old refused to brush her teeth because a towel was in the wrong spot.
I calmly explained to her that the position of the towel didn’t matter and that she needed to brush her teeth no matter what.
Just kidding.
I moved the damn towel.
I use a headshot from 2008 on my LinkedIn to prepare future employers for disappointment
how i like to believe my wife sees me when i get a jar open or kill a spider
If you watch Titanic backwards, you are an idiot. That is not the way movies are meant to be watched.
Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.
I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡
Little known fact:
Centipede’s are the Metric version of Inchworms.
When you’re doing all you can just to get by in life.