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@NYC_Blonde: Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: ... No ma'am.
Me: Can there be?
@DurtMcHurtt: I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you're set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you.
@ddsmidt: On the box it said "do not put your tongue on battery." I would never put my tongue on a battery.
Although. I kinda want to now.
@FeelingEuphoric: I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. "Hey, can you do me a solid?"
@roxiqt: THEM: "Pineapple should never be on pizza! It's a fruit!"
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] "Well, I have some bad news for you about where tomato sauce comes from, kid."
@matt___nelson: [Hot Wheels cars zooming through entire house] "I SWEAR TO GOD KAREN IF YOU DISCONNECT ANY PART OF THIS TRACK I'M DIVORCING YOU"