Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?
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I was having a shitty Thursday. Then my ex texted me. Now I’m having a shitty Valentine’s Day as well.
I’m on the breadstick diet. You can only eat breadsticks but you can eat as many as you want. It’s not working.
Dear Kelloggs,
Cereal that makes them go back to sleep.
Sincerely,
Tired parents
“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean
If you have joint pain..
You’re probably holding it by the wrong end.
Co-worker: *tells story*
Me: I’m so sorry to hear that.
CW: What? It’s not a bad story.
Me: No, I’m just really sorry I had to hear it.
If there’s a line up for the hand dryer you can always use the persons shirt in front of you
Dear Diary,
– I killed a man today. It felt AMAZING.
– Dad’s screwing his assistant.
– My sister’s PREGNANT!
– Stop reading my diary, Mom.
*buys toddler a dinosaur toothbrush*
[cut to me using my new dinosaur toothbrush]
If I check out your blog, what will you do for me? Love me? Ok fine, but you’re telling my mom we’re going out.
Water Polo is one shark away from being the most entertaining sport around
The most unbelievable part of any Christmas movie is that characters my age are homeowners
I consider anything that doesn’t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.
This sounds more like an accusation than a question.
You enter. “I’ve been expecting you,” I say from behind the massive swivel chair. I put too much leg into turning around & spin for 5 mins.
Them: they’re changing Spiderman’s footwear for the next film.
Me: Oh great, another reboot!
Parents, when you go to the bathroom don’t forget to lock the door so your kids can show you what it would be like if zombies were trying to break down your door in an apocalypse.
imagine how angry bear grylls’ wife would be if he didn’t like what she cooked for dinner
Tell your household jumble of working & non working miscellaneous cables I said hi
Swords just aren’t naturally “wooooshy” enough for me, that’s why I add the noise. That’s why I add the noise, Janet.
A real smart TV would increase the volume when you start eating chips.
Mrs. Jekyll: I’m eating for two
Dr. Jekyll: oh no not you too
My favorite way to tell the DJ their music sucks is just yelling at the speaker: “ALEXA NEXT” and then making harsh eye contact with them
Tailor [furious]: You think you can just come in here and choose your own material and do your own measurements? Fine, SUIT YOURSELF!
Cop: Stand on one leg
Me: *does it*
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards
Me: zyxwvutsrqponmlkjihgfedcba
Cop: Impressive. Walk this line while holding these ice trays filled with water and don’t spill anything
Me: *starts sweating*
to a guy who shits on people’s lawns, everything looks like a lawn
Your skull is only a centimeter thick and other reassurances.
Me: When I walk into the room everyone hisses at me
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like filling my house with vipers was less awesome than I’d imagined
[sees my husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding]
hey, this priest bothering you?
Why did a spider just crawl out of the pants that I’ve been wearing all day?
WHY DID A SPIDER JUST CRAWL OUT OF THE PANTS THAT I’VE BEEN WEARING ALL DAY?!