Me: Is there anyone who is dead to me right now that wants to talk?
Him: I’m right here!
Me, moving planchette across Ouija board: I M S O R R Y
Him: That’s not what I said
Me, moving planchete:
I W A S W R O N G
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Not to brag but my boss gave me a certificate of achievement and he said it’s much more prestigious than a pay raise.
meditation teacher: to enter into deep meditation you must embrace a cloud of unknowing in which you forget everything that you have learned
me: way ahead of you
Nobody has ever been more surprised than a husband hearing about his wife’s plans for the second time.
“Some people say I’m an animal in the sack.” – baby kangaroo
[thrift store]
Me: I’d like one thrift, please
Cashier: sir, we sell used-
Me: money is no object
C: we don’t-
M: I need a thrift
oh yeah? Well caterpillars also stay in bed for a month at a time and look how they turn out
“Cantaloupe? Or WON’Taloupe?” *SPLAT* Next week on MELON JUSTICE!
63% of Americans can’t locate the Earth on a globe
taking a toddler to the beach timeline:
-pack the entire house: 1 hour
-find parking: 35 mins
-get sunscreen on a moving child: 15 mins
-set up all your stuff: 25 mins
-get a solid 15 mins of playtime in before some bullshit (child is fussy, bored, tired)
-pack up… 🤣
5: You forgot my night-light! It keeps monsters away.
Me: If a monster wants to get you, a 4 watt bulb won’t stop him. Good night, Sweetie.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler wants to “do it herself.”
Three hours later, I’m still waiting for her to get out of the car.
A word of caution from someone who took two (2) of his kids to their initial orthodontist appointments today: Before you decide that you can afford to have children, remember that children have teeth.
Guy: [strolling along] Well, at least I have my heal- *piano falls on his head*
Me: [leaning out my apartment window] Oh no! My piano!
No one cares about your plans for the weekend more than the person cutting your hair
[sees a dog about to get run over]
Me [dives toward dog & rolls to safety]: that was close
[sees a cat about to get run over]
Me: car coming
*Hears loud noise*
Me: What are y’all doing?
5yo: Nothing. We’re not messing with bowling balls!
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO SURGICALLY CHANGE YOUR SON’S BONES TO STEEL LIKE WOLVERINE. THERE WILL BE A LOT OF QUESTIONS.
Woah woah woah… You can’t be a loan shark right away! You have to start at the bottom. You’ll be a loan sea cucumber.
[work email]
Me: Can I meat the new guy?
Boss: Meet? Okay, sure…
Me: Great!*hides bag of steaks*
I birthed my kid faster than she can put on shoes
Spreading a sheet of creamy peanut butter onto a dinner plate & then eating it with a knife & fork.
I hate it when people call me judgemental
Especially people wearing shoes like that
If I ever become rich, you know where all my money is going?
To the bank
If you send me a voice note exceeding 20 seconds, I will consider it a podcast and not listen to it.
7: there were 5 cupcakes when I left and now there are 3. Did you eat 2?!
Me: suddenly now you can do math
Her: I just feel so alone
Him: Jesus loves you
Jesus: [awkwardly] Duuude shut up
Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.
I have also decided to not buy Twitter.
Hate it when I put on active wear and nothing happens.