ME: Is this Babies R Us
CASHIER: Yes
ME: No babies work here
C: I know
ME: It should be called Babies Were US
C: …
ME: Get me your manager
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me, age 21: *pulls an all nighter* yay!
me, age 37: *sleeps the whole night* yay!
I just heard a newborn crying & my remaining ovary shriveled up & fell out. I kicked it under the fridge. The ovary, I’m not a monster.
People who don’t use contractions scare the shit out of me. “I will be there” okay with what a machete
Michael Phelps & I have a combined 19 gold medals & 4 DUI’s.
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
“how to not gain weight when you schedule 10 dates in 1 week”
Women’s magazine
Page 14: accept yourself as you are
Page 15: how to lose 5 Kg in 2 weeks
Page 16: best cake recipes ever..
First date:
[ok, don’t let her know you’re a cop]Her: do you come here often?
Me: *shoots unarmed black teen*
Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.
if your brain produces saliva you have a patooey-tary gland thank you
Wife: Can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: Ok that’s low, Sharon
*secretly fills your birthday piñata with hornets*
*Doorbell rings*
*it’s a regular kid*
“Trick or treat!”
…and what are you supposed to be?
*removes face, revealing an unending void*
HUMAN
Me: they call me Fred Flintstone
Her: *annoyed* because you can make my bed rock?
Me: because you’re gonna turn me down and I’ll have to yabba dabba do it myself
Gin & Tonic: 91 calories.
Banana: 105 calories.
Choosing the healthy option: Priceless.
You ever just look at your spouse and KNOW they’re the one you want to fall asleep really soon so you don’t have to share your pizza rolls with?
Monopoly made me believe there would more bank errors in my favour as an adult.
This meal prepping shit easy
Legend states that when you’re in the middle of an existential crisis, a child will appear to cry about their sibling looking at them the wrong way
Nice try appliances that play music when the cycle is over. You’re not tricking me into enjoying housework.
Her: You smell like alcohol.
Me: awww, you smell lovely too.
England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.
Me: I need the other guy
Him: I’m the head surgeon
Me: [with a broken foot] exactly
boss: you know what’s weird
me: how the flintsones celebrate Christmas even tho they live in 10,000 b.c?
boss: how the flin— yes exactly
ME: [wearing donuts as glasses] did u just call me immature
WIFE: yes
ME: [removes donuts & tries to clean with shirt] your moms immature
If ghosts are real, then why aren’t any of them pantsing people
#AmITheOnlyOneWhoEnjoys going to “grodge” sales ?
Panic buying, kids off school, businesses shutting down, stuck in the house with your family for days on end…
It’s basically shitty Christmas.
Me: Hey boss sorry I’m late but my –
Boss: The chain from your wallet got tangled on your bicycle seat again…
Me: yeah
If you ask me to give you a ride anywhere on less than 2 hours notice, you’re gonna be sitting in a pile of empty soda bottles and chip bags.