Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Bad comedy:

“Gonorrhea, but not forgottenorrhea. Am I right?”

*crickets*

“Jeez, y’all sure know how to avoid the clap. Am I right folks?”

Hey Verizon, here’s an idea ~ $9.99 for unlimited calls, text, and data. But, $179.99 a minute to call ex-girlfriends.

My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.

DATE: *looking at dessert menu* are you thinking what i’m thinking
ME: *smiling* let’s say it together
DATE: 1,2,3! ice cream
ME: why does “Open” start with a closed circle and “Closed” start with an open cirrrice cream

I can’t do small talk I just asked the lady cutting my hair what she does for a living

CAT: Hey, sorry about puking on your pillow

SCHRÖDINGER {busy}: Yeah, whatever

CAT: So uh…what’s the box for?

Accidentally closed a browser with 20+ tabs opened . . . this must be what the scholars of Alexandria felt when their great library burned.

Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.

chore hatred level:

considering becoming a raw food vegan and drinking straight from the garden hose to avoid doing dishes

SURVIVOR: Hey, we wrote this 4 hour song explaining the entire anatomy of tigers!

PRODUCER: You can sing about ONE tiger body part:

SURVIVOR: *Sadly* Eye, I guess.

Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.

When I’m eating shared nachos I’m always thinking 3 nacho moves ahead of my opponent.

Me: *mopping floor* don’t slip
3yo: *walks by*
Me: *slips*
3yo: like that?
Me: just leave okay

Video games should be banned. My son just threw a turtle shell at a walking mushroom then disappeared down a green tube. Someone call 911.

Tiktok made twitter look like a science club.

[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag

People who aren’t entombed in 8 feet of snow, what’s it like to live in a tropical paradise?

All I’m saying is adults don’t tiptoe nearly as much as Saturday morning cartoons led me to believe.

Wife: You should’ve written your best man speech
Me: Relax I can freestyle

[Wedding]
Me: On Dave and Sarah’s big day, I’d like to
Dave *whispers in my ear*
Me: On Dave and Rebecca’s big day

me [kidnapped]: do you know how horses are compensated for their work

captor: i don’t care

me: they get paid under the stable

captor: let her go we don’t deserve this kind of trauma

HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with:

Dearly Beloved

they shouldn’t make rare paintings “priceless” – they should give them a price. that way if they’re stolen, the thief has a number to go with when selling the rare paintings

tell your crush that you love them before
Pete Davidson will.

we had no idea the Scorpion Team would be so aggressive

“If something goes wrong, we’ll just go to a blue DOS screen and dump out an indecipherable log of what happened”.

This was a choice made.

Wife: Do the dishes

Me: Can’t. Holding the baby

Wife: Take out the trash

Me: Can’t. Baby

Wife: Change the baby

Me: Can’t. Doing dishes.

My husband spent an hour at Home Depot yesterday and I spent an hour trying to find my husband in Home Depot yesterday.

2001 A Space Odyssey 2

The spaceship returns

HAL is just as uncooperative as ever.

He never works.

He becomes the basis for Windows 10.

Interviewer: [extends arm] hello

Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello