ME: Is this chicken cooked?
WAITER: Why do you ask?
ME: Because it’s just eaten my vegetables.
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Why are you charging me $3.99 to watch a movie from 2006? I feel like I’m doing you the favor.
All the king’s horses and men stand over Humpty. Puzzled, they go back to reading the IKEA instructions.
God: I shall call this a tiger
Me: *scratching ‘angry fire zebra’ off my sheet* yeah cool whatever
Shouldn’t the sea be called an isntland?
Sir, I don’t know how you keep getting in here, but again, this is not what a think tank does
*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate
ME: Where are the posters?
WIFE: THEY JUST DISAPPEARED!
[In other room]
*cat is furiously stuffing missing dog posters into paper shredder*
A table tale✨
#TheRingsOfPower
Nothing makes me scream louder during sex than when my husband calls to let me know he’s on his way home from work.
interviewer: what do you know about excel?
me: *closing my eyes* 24th and 12th letter of the alphabet
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is
[Drives date home]
ME [stops and revs engine sexily] I had a great time tonightDATE: [climbs off my lawnmower] I did not
Please help my husband and I decide on dinner. We’ve narrowed it down to “It doesn’t matter” and “It’s your turn to choose”.
He died doing what he loved: almost crossing the street.
Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope
If your name got called on The Price is Right, it’d be fun to scream, jump up and down, and then run full speed out of the studio
Dads will be like “I don’t cry” but then get misty-eyed thinking about how beautifully they backed into a parking spot
I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.
Marriage is saying “they’re both the same” while secretly knowing that one bowl of ice cream is slightly better than the other bowl of ice cream
why would anyone want a baby? it’s just another thing you have to clean
Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?
I mean I’m over it but I’m definitely going to bring it up again after a couple drinks
#ParentingFacts
Have you ever had your kid get out of bed to knock on your door so many times that you found yourself shouting “WE’RE CLOSED! PLEASE COME BACK DURING REGULAR BUSINESS HOURS!”???
I bought beard oil yesterday, so now I have to pick a favorite IPA.
Hubs: Hey, throw toilet paper down the stairs.
Me: Oh, I thought this was going to be a sweet text…
Hubs: Throw some butt wiping paper downstairs with your delicately soft, feminine hands, please my goddess.
you’ve never seen climate change and peppa pig in the same room have you.
6: What are you making? It smells terrible!
Me: *literally just boiling water*
On my home screen I surrounded the Fitbit app with a bunch of food delivery apps so it knows what’s up.