ME: Is this the “new normal”?
SECURITY: No you always had to wear pants in the store
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“Is that on Netflix?” I ask, with no intention of ever watching it
Well, I’m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.
Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles
Hey wanna take the elevator with me and discuss what day of the week it feels like? And then we can go over what day it actually is, deal?
[Jaden Smith at aquarium]
“…any questions?”
Do Crabs Think Fish Can Fly?
“No”
What If Our Air Is Just Bird Water?
“Huh”
How Can Birds Be R
Sorry I bit you I was just checking whether you were cake or not
When I was a kid I thought 40 was really really old and now I’ve discovered I was right.
[jungle]
Detective: I’d like to ask you some questions about a recent jewel heist.
Ring-tailed lemur: This is profiling.
Everyone stop over reacting!
There was no Earthquake….
I slipped in the shower, these things happen…
My obituary will say “He always found himself being lured into uncomfortable social situations by the promise of food”.
If I were the NY Times I’d make Wordle free to play but charge 99 cents to post your score on Twitter.
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
my dog: chomp, chomp
me: hey what’s in your mouth
my dog: CHOMPCHOMPCHOMPCHOM
Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it
Her: I want to fulfill your deepest desire.
Me: *gives her recipe for my mom’s peach cobbler* The crust is the most important part.
How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?
Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.
Baby, it takes two to tango
But only one to tequila.
Establish dominance at the dentist by trying to swallow everything they put in your mouth
Bank ads make me want to hide my money under my mattress.
They also make me want to acquire some money for hiding, but that’s a side issue.
Dear Middle School,
How about a separate science fair for kids who did their own projects?
Sincerely,
Parent Who Can’t Build A Robot
No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨
The number of supermarket loyalty cards I have suggests I am anything but.
*uses 2 pens to tap out the drum solo from In The Air Tonight by Phil Collins during my disciplinary with HR
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: Sadly, this male’s efforts to prepare a nest for mating are all in vain
[me crying on top of a half-put on fitted sheet]
Today my toddler is crying because he doesn’t have his stuffed animal. That he put in the fridge. And yelled at me for trying to take it out.
Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for dishwasher safe Tupperware kids
What’s the past tense of “wake & bake”?
“Woke and boke”?
“Awake and baked”?
“Awakened and baconed”?Whatever it is, I’m that
Guess what? My husband doesn’t let me cook because I burn everything. Did I sneak behind his back and make fried chicken today? Yes. Because sometimes you have to prove yourself. Did I catch the kitchen on fire? Also yes
Exchange student: my village back home still lacks access to clean water
Me: ugh I know how you feel. we’ve needed a Target for like, ever