(Man hobbles into grocery store using a cane)
5: HEY MOM THAT MAN IS USING A WALKING STICK BC HIS BONES AREN’T STRONG & HE’LL DIE SOON RIGHT
ME: Is this the “new normal”?
SECURITY: No you always had to wear pants in the store
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COP: Did you know you were speeding?
ME: I didn’t even know I was driving
Do transformers buy car or life insurance?
I had to share this!!!
My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place
My wife is so married that she even stopped blowing out the candles on her birthday cake cause she doesn’t want me gettin’ any ideas.
India launched a rocket to Mars this morning. That’s a heck of a place to put a call centre.
Walking by the lingerie section
Youngest: Why do they make the underwear so fancy? No one is ever going to see it anyway.
Me: Uh huh.
him: can i be honest?
me: not from what i’ve seen.
Pics or it didn’t happen… unless it’s your kid’s first day of school, then we’ll just take your word for it.