@chuuew

ME: Is this the “new normal”?

SECURITY: No you always had to wear pants in the store

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@House_Feminist

(Man hobbles into grocery store using a cane)
5: HEY MOM THAT MAN IS USING A WALKING STICK BC HIS BONES AREN’T STRONG & HE’LL DIE SOON RIGHT

@chuuew

[pulled over]

COP: Did you know you were speeding?

ME: I didn’t even know I was driving

COP: Out

@tdug

My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place

@dshack8

My wife is so married that she even stopped blowing out the candles on her birthday cake cause she doesn’t want me gettin’ any ideas.

@kelkulus

India launched a rocket to Mars this morning. That’s a heck of a place to put a call centre.

@MomOfTeen

Walking by the lingerie section

Youngest: Why do they make the underwear so fancy? No one is ever going to see it anyway.

Me: Uh huh.

@bonesher

him: can i be honest?
me: not from what i’ve seen.

@TheCatWhisprer

Pics or it didn’t happen… unless it’s your kid’s first day of school, then we’ll just take your word for it.