ME: is this the soup of the day
WAITER: it’s an aquarium
ME: ok I’ll have that
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I already tried new things thanks.
I don’t know why I paid for penicillin when I could have just ate the stuff in one of the kids cups I just found under the bed for free.
the audacity of someone being in the store aisle i want to go down.
Your helium addiction is out of control, but nobody is taking your cry for help seriously.
Parenthood has made me so tired that even in my sex dreams, I’m asleep.
when someone compliments me
The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today
Me: baby, with you every friday is good friday
Wife: aw that’s sweet
Jesus: wow
With all the ghosting these days you’d think there’d be more documented ectoplasmic incidents.
FRIEND: Nice old house. Is it haunted?
ME: Yup.
FRIEND: Really? By who?
WIFE: [from kitchen] YOU LOADED THE DISHWASHER WRONG.
ME: The ghost of my mother.
AIR STEWARDESS [looks at ticket] just down that way
ME: You mean down the long thin tube with one walkway
A.S: Yes
ME: I’d be lost without u
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. Now she’s a pearl diver in the Philippines & can afford her own damn dessert.
I did my spring cleaning, I now only have 14 contacts in my phone lol
I didn’t use toothpaste when I was young and naive, because I didn’t want my teeth sticking together. As a much wiser adult, I still don’t want my teeth sticking together.
Using my dog as a shield, but just to absorb the slobber from my other dog.
Hello, I’m a professor in a movie, I only reach the main point of my lecture right as class is ending. Then I yell at students about the reading / homework as they leave.
ME: I heard about your wife. I’m so sorry
HIM: What do you mean, she’s right here
ME: I know, and it’s true she’s just awful
This man is very sweet with me. I’m calling the police
I love my new crockpot. Now we can wait longer to eat my horrible cooking.
First they came for the people who talk just for the sake of talking, and I said Please, take my coworker.
The Sound of Music taught me if you don’t like your country’s regime, you & your family can safely escape through various musical numbers.
Arguing over who really won the spelling bee but it’s their word against mine
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise.
My toddler is holding a calculator and shouting things at me I don’t understand. I feel like I’m back in my college math class.
Genie: last wish
Me: I wish I could fly
*poof*
Me: *in line holding an economy class ticket to Tulsa* SONOFA…
So, on July 4th, one of the hottest days of the year, we’re all going to sit outside of our air-conditioned homes and cook over a fire?
[Bank]
COP: [through megaphone] LET ONE OF THE HOSTAGES GO
ROBBER: Okay, who wants out?
ME: [spinning on bosses chair] I’m comfortable.
When you just stick the tip in and then move it around and around.
– Hand held pencil sharpener
(first day as a marine scientist)
Me: When do we get to…
Field supervisor: For the tenth time, we are not here to boop shark noses