Me: Is your friend coming or what?
16yo son: I don’t know. He’s not answering his texts.
Me: Why don’t you call him?
Son: I don’t know what that is.
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JUDGE: how do you plead
ME: Whats the one where you killed a ton of people but you don’t want to tell anyone
JUDGE: not guilty
ME: that one
I’ve deleted all dating apps off my phone I’m over it 😭 I’m waiting for someone to meet me in the library while I am reaching for a book that’s too high and just as everything is about to fall on me they swoop in and shield me
Start your day with the confidence of a 5yo who thinks he knows how to tie his shoes.
my cat was hiding under my bed like a paranoid weirdo so I put his bowl under there and he spurned it all day long & I forgot about it and of course I just awoke to the terrifying sound of an animal devouring something under my bed
God: So I was, all, what if there was a fish made of jelly? Like, jelly but alive and in the sea? LOL
[angels look nervously at one another]
I may not understand women, but cheeseburgers have never sent me mixed signals, and for that they’ll always have my heart.
Hey to all the girls with more than one person in their picture you’re making this VERY DIFFICULT.
Don’t be fooled by American Airlines, it is just one airline
ACME gave a credit card to Wile E. Coyote with no credit history, just so he could capture a bird. This is why banks need to be regulated.
“You’re not pretty enough. Now pay us $3.99 so we can tell you why.” – Magazines
guys, i almost wrote an inspirational tweet what is happening
Yoda: A Jedi, you will not be. Train Chewbacca, I will.
Luke: But why?
Yoda: Better piggyback rides, he gives.
[pulling my wife out of the sewer]
her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down
Road Runner was my favorite cartoon that showed running from your problems works if you’re fast as hell.
Sorry I got kicked out of the auditorium for yelling GET A TOMB YOU TWO during your little brother’s 9th grade production of Romeo & Juliet.
*trimming my nose hair in the mirror
You sexy beast.
Grill became self-aware just in time to realize where it’s headed
Kudos to NPH for keeping it brief. #Oscars
Facebook’s great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago
Turns out my superpower is the ability to go into incredible detail in completely the wrong direction.
You could murder someone in California and they wouldn’t even arrest you as long as you properly composted the body.
when i was a kid we didn’t play house. we played courtroom. and let me tell you, i sent my fair share of teddy bears to the electric chair
I have OCD as well as ADD.
Basically, that means I like to keep shiny objects that distract me in an even number of neat, organized piles.
(Sigh) I thought “The Scarlet Letter” was a book about red stationery….
Me: He had short brown hair, a goatee, one earring…
Sketch artist: Are you just describing me?
Me: He had a sketch pad. Looked angry.
Watching a documentary on a murder in a small town and there was probably a total of 7 teeth among all the people that were interviewed.
She was like “I’ll see you in hell” and I was like “omg I have a date”
A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls
“I don’t even own a book” – Medieval Hipster