ME: isn’t it weird how you get corn in your poop?
DOCTOR: yes but I’ve never seen an entire cob before
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“When I said Legos, I meant Roblox, but don’t worry about it. Santa knows what I meant.”
My 4YO, on the evening of December 23rd.
“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”
ME: *starts vaping*
It’s really only a Supreme Court if it comes with sour cream.
There’s no ‘i’ in gaslight.
ME: it’s time for bed
*3 ducks excitedly appear at my window*
ME: bed guys, B E D
*3 ducks dejectedly disappear from my window*
Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag
My son is practicing his French horn and I love the arts, I was so excited for my kids to love them, but wow he’s pretty bad.
poor people: innuendo
rich people: hoteluendo
In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.
I forgot the word for confessional booth so I said catholic shame box
her: let’s try roleplaying
me: can I be a hypochondriac?
her: you got it
me: *suddenly nervous* got what
Today I came across a snake that seemed parched and tired, so I gently trickled some water from my water bottle on its snout for a few minutes and it quietly sipped. One of those nature moments that was nice but in retrospect makes me look like some sort of evil forest spirit
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I’m a seismologist.
Me: No way! Can you…
Date: Please don’t.
Me: …guess my height?
Guy about to write “12 days of christmas:” help i need last minute gifts!
bird keeper: ok hear me out.
I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs
If I could ask God for one thing, it would probably be power equal to or greater than his own.
Me: Guys, please, I just need 5 minutes without a question, so I can finish this.
4yos:
Me:
4yos:
Me:
4yo: Why do you need 5 minutes, Daddy?
MI5 warned today that Chinese espionage online is being conducted on an ‘epic scale’ in the U.K. Not on our watch, our security systems are 世界上最好的之一。
Sneaking into my neighbour’s home just to raid the kitchen and then accidently setting the house on fire is how I will end up in prison.
Princess Peach has been kidnapped so often, I’m beginning to think she might be Liam Neeson’s daughter.
remember when my dad found marlboro red filters in a plant pot in the backyard and accused my mom of cheating because “that’s a man’s cigarette” and whole time it was my lesbian sister
A chameleon and a ninja walk into a bar.
Neither one can get the bartender’s attention.
I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.
I want to run away and live in a forest but like with my phone.
I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.
If my teenagers see this tweet, since no one is answering my texts….mommy’s flight is on time and the house better be clean when I get home.
Him: I like you.
Me: *starts game timer*
[Calling the police]
“Help! Someone with a slice of beef strapped to his elbow is chasing me!”
“Stay calm.”
“Yes, that’s him!”
Sorry I was gone for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch to just one video.
My signature move is eating a whole bag of something before realizing I don’t like it.