Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.
Me: It actually takes light around 8 minutes to travel from the Sun to Earth.
Her: Umm light is instant. Everyone knows that.
Me: Go home.
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Our son came home one day with
a note from his first grade teacher:
Your son bit another boy today.
Is he getting enough to eat at home ?
[pulled over by cop]
COP: evening folks. this is a random doug test. can I see some ID?
MY FRIEND DOUG IN THE BACK SEAT: [starts sweating]
I saw an old couple sharing a newspaper and was like “oh wow maybe marriage is cool” and then the lady said “STOP BREATHING ON ME”
Mad Max: Flurry Road
TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
This lady just licked her finger and wiped her daughters face…
<–Hands her some Listerine and gets in line to be cleaned
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
Fun Fact: Koala’s have finger prints like humans. So next time you rob a bank make sure the koala carriers the gun
I like when flies won’t leave my car on long road trips. Have fun moving to Kansas, you tiny idiot.