@NoogsCorner

Me: It actually takes light around 8 minutes to travel from the Sun to Earth.

Her: Umm light is instant. Everyone knows that.

Me: Go home.

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@juicymorsel

Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.

@SteveKoehler22

Our son came home one day with
a note from his first grade teacher:

Your son bit another boy today.
Is he getting enough to eat at home ?

@ShutUpThatsWho

[pulled over by cop]

COP: evening folks. this is a random doug test. can I see some ID?

MY FRIEND DOUG IN THE BACK SEAT: [starts sweating]

@thenatewolf

I saw an old couple sharing a newspaper and was like “oh wow maybe marriage is cool” and then the lady said “STOP BREATHING ON ME”

@MiddleageM

This lady just licked her finger and wiped her daughters face…

<–Hands her some Listerine and gets in line to be cleaned

@dave_cactus

Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.

@deadbearrising

Fun Fact: Koala’s have finger prints like humans. So next time you rob a bank make sure the koala carriers the gun

@dave_cactus

I like when flies won’t leave my car on long road trips. Have fun moving to Kansas, you tiny idiot.