Me: it hit me completely out of the grey
Friend: *narrows eyes* you mean blue?
Me [secretly a dog in a trenchcoat]: …yes
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A meal so good, you want to position it on a couch and use it as the subject of a charcoal drawing that’ll survive one of the great maritime tragedies in history, only to be recovered 84 years later in a safe full of brine and grime and beautifully restored via mini power washer.
Hear me out. Organ harvest festival.
I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.
The bartender just threw the bottle of vodka in the air and caught it. Maybe next time it’ll turn into a college degree.
For an extra ten grand I’ll make it look like an accident and for an extra 20 I’ll make it look like a HILARIOUS accident
Ever find buried treasure in your grandpas backyard containing passports, Nazi uniforms, and a photo with Papa with the Fuhrer inside? Yeah.
Sometimes when I pass by a stranger I like to whisper “I was just thinking the exact same thing”
When the the bladder control commercial with the jingle “Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now” came on my 5 year old asked “mommy, do these ladies really have to go to the bathroom or do they just think they do” thus becoming the youngest menopause expert in the world.
The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture
hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. the captain can’t talk cause we both said “hope we don’t die haha” at the same time and i jinxed him
“2! 4! 6! 8! Who do we appreciate?
Nobody!!!! Hahahahahaha!”
-Teenagers
*being born
my mom: oh SHIT
my dad: OH shit
me: OH SHIT
5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?
Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.
me: I think I’m losing my marbles
proctologist: I’m finding them
where do y’all wanna go tonight? Bars? The club?
“THE BOG OF DESPAIR”
Gary, after the forest of skulls debacle you don’t get to pick anymore
[bank]
Matt Damon: “I’d like to make a deposit.”
Teller: “Checking or…”
Matt Damon: “Please, don’t.”
Teller: “Savings, Private Ryan?”
nurse: how do you rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
date: this is so romantic
me: just the two of us
date: and the stars
me: and the moon
the moon: *winks at my date*
me: *narrowing eyes* son of a-
team rocket: that boy’s pikachu is special
meowth: hey
team rocket: we need it
meowth: im literally the only pokemon who can talk
team rocket: that pikachu is so unique no other pokemon will do
Meowth: guys
team rocket: only that pikachu is deserving of love
To avoid small talk with neighbors I’ve taken to checking the mail in the middle of the night like some kinda raccoon with bills.
I hate all this sex on the TV
I keep falling off.
GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today
ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend
6: What’s a hangover?
Me: The interest repayment on fun.
I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. He changed the wifi password before he left.
Instead of a flask I keep a small kitten in my jacket pocket that I pull out for a quick pet whenever I need a pick-me-up.
Dear autocorrect,
I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.
Quit your shit.
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.
If your kids aren’t drinking enough water, tell them it’s bedtime.
Me: I’m living paycheque to paycheque
Society: Maybe you should have gotten an education
Me: I’m a teacher