me: “it hurts when i pee”
doctor: “quit peeing on my desk and ill stop hitting you!”
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“Just this one more episode.” you said, and all the voices in your head laughed and laughed, and slapped their knees.
I have an oven with a ‘stop time’ button. It’s probably meant to be ‘stop timer’ but I don’t touch it, just in case.
I feel for any dog who’s owned by a homeless guy. The poor pooch must be thinking “Where does this guy live, we’ve been walking for 3 years”
I hate it when my wife wakes me up at the crack of dawn just to tell me my alarm woke her up.
Well excuse me all to hell. I thought you’d be flattered with a mosaic of pictures of you at the gym. No, you don’t need to call the police.
HUSBAND: You dropped your phone, broke a glass, and frightened the dog.
ME: Yeah, but I killed the spider!
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars.
I’m really glad you can see 80 miles ahead, but the rest of us are blind now!
Seems like an opportune time to resurface my favorite interview moment
[Funeral]
Her: [Through tears] I’m gonna need your support today
Him: You got it babe [waves flag and presses air horn] WIFE! WIFE! WIFE!
If my husband doesn’t start helping with the housework soon, we’ll need a crime scene cleaning crew.
I’m a girl that your mother could love. From a distance. Maybe you just show her a picture, and make a lot of shit up.
Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.
[creating the armadillo]
GOD: I want a half turtle,
ANGEL: Okay
G: Half pig,
A: Okay, I’m on it-
G: Half anteater
A: …Are u drunk
G: Very
SON: do you HAVE to walk around in just underwear?
DAD: I will if I want. now get me a beer
SON: what aisle?
DAD: do I LOOK like I work here?
Twitter action film:
MAN 1: Follow me.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
MAN 1: No. Physically, follow me. Or you’ll be killed.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? You smell of bins.
no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball
Someone I have known for 15 years, just completely ignored me in the grocery store. This is the best day ever.
Psychic: Bruce Willis was dead the entire time! I did not see that coming at all.
Me: I’d like my money back.
is Kristen Stewart a Vulcan
You get what you get and you don’t get upset. Unless you’re me, and then it’s the crying and the wailing and the walking with chains dragging at all hours.
husband: you’re so sweaty. did you work out?
me: [just ate half a block of cheese] yes
“This smoothie is spicy!”
“Ma’am, that’s salsa.”
*Showing me a picture of your baby*
Me: Is that a dog toy in the background? What kind of dog do you have? What’s your dog’s name?
pandemic day 1: i hope we all survive this deadly pandemic
pandemic day 664: me and my friends have beef with Elmo now
I spotted a subtweet and also spotted a squirrel with a juice box…
I’ll let you guess which one had a greater impact on my life.
The Golden Globe goes to…
Burrito
… for best actor in a microwave, with a convincing performance of taking longer than necessary.
Read that again implies that I read it a first time, which I most certaintly did not.
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome