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@HepatitisAtoZ: me: "it hurts when i pee"
doctor: "quit peeing on my desk and ill stop hitting you!"
@omgthatspunny: Cinderella was thrown off the basketball team because she ran away from the ball.
@mostlysharks: friend: why did you take up running?
me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason
@JustMeTurtle: [Job Interview]
Interviewer: Please, call me Yuri, let’s get right to it, have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Yes, I stole a penny from my mom’s swear jar, it was the Crime of the Cent, Yuri.
@chrisdelia: Me: *Asks question on snapchat*
Them: *Answers question on snapchat*
Me: "Wait, what did I ask again?"
@schumoo: Checks for abs
Finds an M&M