Me: it is he about whom the prophecy foretold, and for whom we have waited lo these many centuries
Cable guy:
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[1999]
“y2k” making us anxious
[2019]
“k” making us anxious
I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.
we will divorce one (1) billionaire every week until our demands are met
I’ve seen or heard about Batman’s parents’ death so many times I feel like an accessory to murder for not going to the authorities.
[Wakes up in hospital after car crash]
I’m afraid we had to amputate both of your feet.
“OMG why?”
You were too tall to fit in the ambulance
Me, writes out daily outfits for trip on stationary, folds each outfit together, makes labels with the day I am to wear said outfit and attaches it to the folded pile and lays each gently into suitcase.
Husband, “Do you think I need more than 3 pairs of socks?”
*parachutes into your family BBQ*
I noticed you haven’t retweeted me in a while, but I see you had time to make POTATO SALAD…
How animals would run if they were human
Men in suits look really weird standing on the grass. Go back to the concrete buddy
and on the 8th day, god created a website for u to meet the hot christian singles in ur area
I’m not like other girls. I have 1L of butter chicken sauce in my purse
me: *listening to the new song I like 4,000 times on repeat*
the ghost I don’t know lives in my apartment: *trying to hang himself but he’s already dead*
THE TITANIC WAS A REAL SHIP??????
My 6yo set a timer so that I could have a rest after eating. When the alarm went off it was time for me to go play with him.
He set the timer for 11 seconds. Plenty of time for a rest.
The Accountant.
h/t: @KrangTNelson @Boogieknight
You say tired, I say challenge.
-A toddler at bedtime.
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.
I think I found my spirit animal.
ok i’m just gonna say it… it seems petty that money comes out of my account every *single* time i buy something. give me a break
Biden: I’m gonna punch him.
Obama: Smile and wave, Joe.
I can only imagine how slow Netflix streaming must have been while quarantining for the 1918 pandemic.
“Hold on lemme just hotbox these bugs so I can steal and eat their goo.” -beekeepers everywhere
Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*
Moon: delete it
I asked 4 if she was excited to start school and she said she doesn’t need to go to school bc she already know lots of words and if she runs out she can just make them up
If u wanna be happy the rest of ur life
Never make a prairie falcon ur wife
They need a moderate altitude
To catch burrowing owls for food
Me: Where’s Ken?
3-year-old daughter: He broke up with Barbie. Then a T. rex ate him.
I pity any boy who ever dates my little girl.
“Awww. There there.”
*pats you on the face. Hard
I’ve never met a day I couldn’t ruin.
Hi, it’s me, your housebound friend. Since I have years of experience at this, and you lot seem to be out of ideas already, I will be providing you with daily suggestions of ways in which to entertain yourselves at home. Ready?
March 16th: Teach the cat a conjuring spell.
Boss: We’re going to replace you with a robot
Me: lol good luck getting a robot to match my performance
Boss: It’s broken and does nothing
Me: shit
I’m so mad I put my fist through a wall. I HATE BEING A GHOST