me: it kind of feels like you’re judging me right now
judge: it’s called “sentencing”
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˙ɯɹɐɥ ʎuɐ ǝɯ op ʇ,upıp ʇı puɐ pןıɥɔ ɐ sɐ pɐǝɥ ʎɯ uo pǝddoɹp sɐʍ ı
Me: Go to bed
4-year-old: But I have questions!
Me: You’re stalling
4: I need to know!
Me: What?
4: What if I meet a talking doughnut?
The Great Wall of China is one of the 7 wonders of the world just because it’s a Chinese product that’s lasted more than a month.
Of all of the profound disappointments that I have faced in my life, be they personal or professional, none is more firmly fixed in my mind, nor more likely to have caused my deeply-rooted trust issues, than the discovery at age four that Play-Doh doesn’t taste the way it smells.
They banned trick or treating this year so I’ll just be sitting on my porch handing out bad advice to anyone who walks by.
[pirate ship capturing another ship]
Pirate: Prepare to be bored!
Other Captain: Don’t you mean boarded?
*pirate opens stamp collection*
I can’t wait to find out who’s playing Donald Trump in the next season of American Horror Story
Don’t be fooled, sheeple. That Blood Moon thing tomorrow night? Just a ploy by Big Nature to get us to look up from our phones.
10: Can we go to the adoption store and pick up a new baby?
Me: Sweet girl, Mama has 4 kids. If we go right now it’s probably to drop off.
if you find yourself struggling creatively take a step back and realize that you are also struggling financially so at least you’re consistent
The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it’s already dead.
Before sprinting towards the elevator, ask yourself, “Am I hot enough to make them hold the door?”
The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.
“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”
I noticed you were watching as I struggled to find my mouth with my straw. Glad we could share that moment.
ATTENTION MEN: STOP BUYING YOUR GIRLFRIEND FLOWERS AND PERFUME FOR VALENTINE’S DAY AND GET HER WHAT SHE REALLY WANTS. A SWORD
Medusa: ok so I’ve decided I want bangs
hair stylist: *visibly pales
the best part about being a parent is explaining normal human behaviours to the small feral people, my favourite of which has been “we don’t pee our pants on purpose when we are mad”
ME: these fireworks are so quiet
WIFE: those are palm trees
ME: I’m seeing a little water staining on the ceiling. There must be a leak somewhere.
CONTRACTOR: When are you noticing it most?
ME: When I look up.
[Invention of Tennis]
“…and you just try to hit it back to me”
Wow, that’s really simple
“Yeah, I wanted it to be very straightforward”
For sure that’s the best part about it
“Uncomplicated, you know what I mean?”
Exactly! No weird stuff
“Yeah”
So how do you keep score?
Everyone in “Star Wars”.
Everyone in “The Muppets”.
Everyone in “Game of Thrones”.This is now the first tweet with over 140 characters.
Don’t call me a pessimist. Call me a cynic. A cynic sounds smarter.
Dang girl, are you an unreliable scientific claim? Because imma need you to BACK THAT UP
U once broke ur toe? I once broke my foot. U had a baby? I had 2 babies. U have a bad back? I have a bad front. I can do this all day, btw.
COP: Freeze!!!
EXCEL: LOL no problem
7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.
First rule of being Italian is to tell everyone you’re Italian.
(I can say this cause I’m Italian.)
“I’ve lost 200 pounds in just one year.”
“Oh. CrossFit?”
“No. Gambling.”
CPR Teacher: That’s the end of the lesson. Any questions?
Me: If you all want to leave and lock the door I’ll put the dummy away.