Me: It makes me so happy that after all of these years I still take your breath away.
Wife: Just hand me my inhaler.
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*At the local breakfast restaurant
Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?
Me: Reese’s
We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.
*raises the last donut to the sky like Simba*
In Canada they just call them geese
If dog hair were a commodity, I’d be tweeting this from my yacht.
I’m never asking a man to buy me tampons again
I hope my husband never gets Alzheimer’s but if he does, I imagine my favorite part will be saying “I gave you one yesterday.”
Monkeypox is sexually transmitted, making me absolutely immune.
If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie
i can see why people hate change, it’s heavy and jingly in your pocket, and people look at you weird when you use it to buy booze, i get it
I like listening to Phil Collins in the shower. He gets creeped out when he sees me, though.
Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.
To me the most romantic part about having a crush on someone is when instead of just telling them, your anxiety just makes you act increasingly more unhinged in conversation until you both hate you 🥰🥰🥰
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
Me: You a good personal trainer?
Him: You bet your emotionally distant dad I am.
Me: [through tears] Wow, that’s personal. You’re hired.
Some people make mountains out of mole hills, some people make a competition out of crazy
My husband pissed me off so I recalibrated the bathroom scale and added 10 pounds to the reading.
I’m just gonna go ahead and change my boys names to “Stop making that stupid noise” and “Where are your shoes?”.
Welcome to Cupcake Yoga! NomNomaste.
casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex
“There Will Be Blood” is my favorite movie that answers the question, “Will blood be there?”
Whenever an automatic hand dryer doesn’t turn on for me, I like to think my diet is really working.
Bear Grylls: *waits impatiently for NASA’s call*
Took the batteries out of the carbon monoxide alarm because the loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.
Me: But Halloween is the one day a year you get to be anybody you want
Jury at my Identify Theft Trial: [impressed whispering]
Received this car text from my wife, and I quote: “Hey Siri text I am on my way mommy mommy mommy HOLD ON!”
*giraffe getting his daily coffee*
G: usual grande mocha man
Barista: gee that’s a…
G: *sigh*
B:…tall order
G: Christ, every goddam day Phil
“Who’s your favorite vampire?”
“The one on Sesame Street.”
“He doesn’t count.”
“I can assure you that he does.”
And then the recipe said “booze optional” and we laughed and laughed and laughed.
This lady just ordered a turkey sub with no bread & the deli lady said, “so you want a salad?” The lady said, “no, a sub without bread.” So to be annoying I asked for a salad just like hers. If looks could kill, I wouldn’t be telling y’all this.