ME: it was a dark and cold february morning in a town of secrets
ME: (feet on desk) the dame walked in like a panther lost in a Toys-R-Us – angry and full of questions
CUSTOMER: look do you have the book or not
ME: (lights cigar) she had bad news written all over her
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Sometimes, for fun, I like to mouth words to my husband when he’s wearing earbuds. When he stops to ask me what I said, I just say ‘forget it’ and storm off.
One time I put the burnt side of a grilled cheese face down on my child’s plate and almost got away with it.
Friend: I wish this candy bar had less calories.
Me: Let me see it…
*eats half and hands it back*
…wish granted.
The Last Dance just keeps getting better
VOTERS: we want to give a boat a ridiculous name
UK: no
VOTERS: we want to break up the EU and trash the world economy
UK: fine
Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.
Friend: Hi, How have you been?
Me: Why? What have you heard?
no one is as indignant as a person who was correctly accused of sleeping
*turns on the passenger seat warmer, for the pizza
*uses your voodoo doll as a tampon*
if you want all your cereal boxes and chip bags to look like they were opened by a wild monkey, kids might be for you.
“Please be more mindful of how expressive your eyebrows can be during meetings when others are speaking” my boss to me after the great 2 truths and a lie incident of February 15, 2024.
me: wanna hear a joke about $1,000
her: sure
me: k
These racing car drivers are making a lot of pit stops.
You’d think they would have went before the race.
14: Mom, you’re like the youngest mom in my grade. So how far apart are we in age?
Me: I had you when I was 24.
14: So we’re like 10 years apart.
Hey Pringles, It’s time to widen the can. Your core demographic isn’t exactly thin-wristed. Thank you!
me: can I get a job application
mcdonald’s manager: [handing me one] do you have experience
me: oh yeah I’ve filled out hundreds of these
Him: Is this a sex thing?
Me: *smoothing mashed potatoes over my chest* Ew, no. This is just my tater-top.
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: i get everyone fired
ex professor: what wait no
Your other foot. Nope. Still the other foot. You have two feet this isn’t hard. THE. OTHER. FOOT. OMG
-me watching a toddler put shoes on
INTERVIEWER: Why do you want to work here?
ME: *crumbs tumbling from my mouth* Oh, I don’t. I was just walking by and saw you had donuts.
[grocery store]
dad to his crying baby: shhh stop crying
[baby keeps crying]
me: wow, your baby does not listen
Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.
Sorry the edible underwear weren’t edible anymore by the time you tried to eat them. It was a long drive to your apartment.
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
my new favorite genre of photography is “cats who are auditioning for the role of the body in an Agatha Christie novel.”
12. I think about this all the damn time
My 6yo wouldn’t eat his chocolate chip muffin bec there were too many chocolate chips in it, and now I…I just…I’m gonna need a min here.
Immediately de-escalating an international conflict by posting an angry looking selfie with the caption “Come on, guys.”
Me: I invited Todd over for dinner.
Wife: Uncle Todd or Todd who takes things literally?
*Todd exits out the back door with our television*