Hey, girl. I noticed you checking out my Hello Kitty socks. Just so you know…the boxers match.
Me: it was my grandmother’s ring
Her: *gasp* it’s beautiful
Me: and this is my mother’s wedding dress
Her: your… your family is okay with you trick or treating in that?
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Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..
the concept of modeling is insane to me. “buy our clothes. here, check out how they look on someone infinitely more attractive than you, you messy slob”
Exec: So we’ve done fantastic beasts, what’s next?
JK Rowling: A restaurant guide called fantastic feasts and where to find them?
JK Rowling: A book about bread making called fantastic yeasts and where to find them?
Exec: Is everything ok at home JK?
Ghosts wear sheets because nobody’s scared of sleeping bags.
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volume: ▁ 5%
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volume: ▁▂▃▄▅▆▇ 100%
sure my tattoos will look stupid when i get old but have you ever considered that they look stupid now too
So UBER is not a dating app?
I kinda thought all those ‘Goodbye’ kisses seemed more awkward than usual.
Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.
When you say “9 out of 10 forest fires are caused by humans” all I hear is “there’s a bear out there who knows how to use matches.”