@capnwatsisname

Me: it was my grandmother’s ring

Her: *gasp* it’s beautiful

Me: and this is my mother’s wedding dress

Her: your… your family is okay with you trick or treating in that?

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@TweetsByTheTony

Hey, girl. I noticed you checking out my Hello Kitty socks. Just so you know…the boxers match.

*winks*

@GirlPetunia

Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..

@TheHyyyype

the concept of modeling is insane to me. “buy our clothes. here, check out how they look on someone infinitely more attractive than you, you messy slob”

@brynnester

Exec: So we’ve done fantastic beasts, what’s next?

JK Rowling: A restaurant guide called fantastic feasts and where to find them?

Exec:

JK Rowling: A book about bread making called fantastic yeasts and where to find them?

Exec: Is everything ok at home JK?

@pilau

“I’m sorry”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━0:06
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁ 5%

“…but”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━━70:28:54
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁▂▃▄▅▆▇ 100%

@pant_leg

sure my tattoos will look stupid when i get old but have you ever considered that they look stupid now too

@lovejulieacafe

So UBER is not a dating app?

*sigh*

I kinda thought all those ‘Goodbye’ kisses seemed more awkward than usual.

@Try2StopME

Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.

@ColeyGuacamole_

When you say “9 out of 10 forest fires are caused by humans” all I hear is “there’s a bear out there who knows how to use matches.”