Me: It’ll be nice to have a dog around, we won’t have to worry about intruders
My dog: It’s a new person! Please come in and take whatever you want. I’ll be over here on my back waiting for a belly rub
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Being married is mostly pointing out that the other person is always using their phone during the small window where you’re not using yours.
Throwing away expired eggs like some sort of millionaire
My 4-year-old asked me what my name was when I was a kid and she was not ready for the wild coincidence when I told her I was also named Kristen as a child
Sure, you can clean your house while the kids are home. You could also shovel your driveway with a spoon during a blizzard. When it comes to wasting time, the possibilities are endless.
I’ve been experimenting with breeding racing deer.
People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck.
“I chose you yesterday, I choose you today, and I will choose you tomorrow.”
– Me, to my coffee
I bought my dad some mugs with little ceramic doggos at the bottom. He just handed me coffee, but, ‘I can’t fill it up more than that or the dog will drown.’
Me: can I buy you a drink?
Girl: no
Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right
The neighbor is having an open home
How long should I stand at my front door naked yelling at birds?
30 is the new 20 until you hang out with 20 yr olds.
[wearing a negative pressure suit and a space helmet]
Her: Are you really that worried about the virus?
Me: Virus?
80% of adulthood is trying to figure out what upset your stomach.
Rich people don’t put their couches against their wall. I moved my couch into the middle of the floor and still haven’t gotten rich. Idk what I’m doing wrong here
[amusement park]
me: *arms up, screaming*
cashier: but that is the price
Planning sweet revenge on my wife: Once she’s napping, I’m gonna burn the shit out of some popcorn
It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.
*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*
Made it five weeks at my new job before anyone saw my underwear
71-yr-old Jimmy Page is dating a 25-yr-old. The age difference may seem huge now, but it won’t be as big a deal when she’s 28 and he’s dead.
*Opens twitter*
*Sees Polio is trending*
*Closes twitter*
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
WIFE:Did you get the spaghetti?
ME:Better.
WIFE:Better?
ME:Look at this crazy, wild spaghetti I found outside! *hands just full of snakes*
[at bar]
Him: Why’s a pretty girl like you sitting all alone?
Me: I peed my pants.
some days you look in the mirror and all you see is a Botero painting
We’re all born naked and the rest is crab. #DragRace
Neighbor’s garden looking so good, I have peonies envy.
I think it’s crazy that we can accidentally make people, but we can’t accidentally make dinner. How nice would it be at the end of the day if we were like I wasn’t really trying to make dinner, but uh… it’s made.
Taped a note to the beehive warning the Queen to recall her bees or face a flamethrower. Bitch called and told me to suck her bee clit. 🙁
My neighbours were loud and rowdy last night til 3:30, waking up our kids.
So now my husband is outside starting up the leaf blower and table saw at 9am, in case you wondered what middle class suburban feuds in Canada looked like.
Wifey and I overheard our 3 y/o talking to himself saying who’s my favorite, mama or dada? So we waited in suspense and then he said his favorite is baby and his second favorite is woofy. I can’t even beat the dog that pisses on his carpet when it thunderstorms.