Me: It’s a beautiful night
Him: What?
Me: It’s a BEAUTIFUL night
Him: What?
Me: *opens trunk* I SAID, IT’S A BEAUTIFUL NIGHT!
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Me starting a diet: I’m gonna be so skinny.
Me on a diet: being fat is fine.
be careful if you wear the same clothes everyday you’ll turn into a cartoon character
There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.
Sometimes, I worship the devil, but only to disappoint my parents. I’m not really invested.
Doug is just Canadian for dog
just tried to put my phone in my pocket when i was wearing a towel so things are going great
Jealousy is one of the seven deadly sins because the next thing you know you need a shovel and an alibi.
My mom ran over my imaginary friend, Stephanie. I never told my mom because deep down I wanted Stephanie out of my life.
peeping toms
I just want to be rich enough to donate enough money to have a wing at the mental hospital named after me
Attacked by a mop.
Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?
I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.
“I never trust anything from the government!”
*uses highways
There are people who will follow you for your Avi, so either look cute or put a pizza pic.
When my mother calls with a computer problem, I tell her to try shutting it off and turning it back on in 6 months.
I can’t believe I have to say this every year. Don’t share lip balm, you guys. That’s how the dry skin spreads.
Kids love retelling stories about times they threw up
On tonight’s episode of regrettable parenting decisions, I gave my 3 yo slime and specifically told her not to put it in her hair. You can guess where the slime was ten minutes later.
It’s only a family vacation if you think “We’re never doing this again” at least once.
fun fact: scientists discovered years ago that dogs and cats could actually talk and converse with humans, unless their human turned out to be super duper boring
This bouncer’s lucky I’m with my lady and physically frightened of him or he’d be in a world of pain.
When I’m in a conference room all by myself I like to pretend I’m having a very important meeting with chairs about chair shit.
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
Her: I’ll bring the wine, you bring the sandwiches. Any kind.
[later]
Her: Umm, why is the picnic basket dripping?
My: Oh no, my ice cream sandwiches!
Them: No pets allowed!
My cat: Guess you are gonna just have to wait outside for me…
My husband’s favorite snack while we watch tv is whatever makes the most noise, apparently.
Me: Transparency is very important to me.
Ghost: …
Fashion designers: What do you want?
Me: something that hides my belly fat, shows off my curves and something even an 80 year old would find comfortable
Fashion designers: we don’t do magic
[bank holdup]
Bank teller: interesting choice in masks
Me: The box said it moisturizes and cleans the pores