So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.
ME: It’s a gun fight, don’t say you brought a knife
ALANIS MORRISETTE [brandishing 10,000 spoons] I’m not an idiot
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Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.
Two things Twitter cultivates and encourages:
1. instant gratification
2. sense of impatient entitlement
3. misunderstanding of basic math
We could completely eliminate car thefts by making every car alarm sound like Hillary Clinton’s laugh.
I’m sporting Cameron Diaz’ *Something About Mary” hairdo, but tragically, the magic ingredient is Cadbury Crème egg filling.
[first day as aquarium guide]
Me: & here’s 8 snakes biting a soccer ball
Guy: that’s an octopus
Me [sighs]: fine. 8 snakes biting an octopus
Bartender: What can I get you?
Me: Sex, beards, rock & roll?
Me: Sparkling vampire crazy about me?
Joe: If you love it so much why don’t you marry it?
[Two weeks later]
Jim: Meet my new wife!
*holds up Joe’s wife’s potato salad*
Customer service stopped recording my calls for training purposes. There’s nothing to be learned from that much profanity.
“Service Dog, Do Not Pet.” We’re sure this means me? Should we ask the dog? We should ask the dog.