@ArfMeasures

ME: It’s a gun fight, don’t say you brought a knife

ALANIS MORRISETTE [brandishing 10,000 spoons] I’m not an idiot

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@mydmac

*speed dating

So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.

@balloonsmatt

Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.

@matt_travelling

Two things Twitter cultivates and encourages:

1. instant gratification
2. sense of impatient entitlement
3. misunderstanding of basic math

@TheMichaelRock

We could completely eliminate car thefts by making every car alarm sound like Hillary Clinton’s laugh.

@kimtopher22

I’m sporting Cameron Diaz’ *Something About Mary” hairdo, but tragically, the magic ingredient is Cadbury Crème egg filling.

@david8hughes

[first day as aquarium guide]
Me: & here’s 8 snakes biting a soccer ball
Guy: that’s an octopus
Me [sighs]: fine. 8 snakes biting an octopus

@AngelaEhh

Bartender: What can I get you?

Me: Sex, beards, rock & roll?

Bartender:

Me: Sparkling vampire crazy about me?

Bartender:

Me: Beer.

@Nahdude83

Joe: If you love it so much why don’t you marry it?
Jim: Hmm

[Two weeks later]
Jim: Meet my new wife!
*holds up Joe’s wife’s potato salad*

@Jake_Vig

Customer service stopped recording my calls for training purposes. There’s nothing to be learned from that much profanity.

@HatfieldAnne

“Service Dog, Do Not Pet.” We’re sure this means me? Should we ask the dog? We should ask the dog.