Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Faster!” I yell, dropping into the bank from the open skylight.

“I’m trying!” Shouts my grandma from above, furiously knitting more cable.

Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.

“I’ll fix the roof myself,” I said, “save some money” I said…

Everyone’s got that one neighbor they’d love..

To shoot for mowing his damn grass at 7 AM.

There’s a kid on my nephews soccer team that thinks he’s a dinosaur so he’s just out there screeching and biting other kids on the field

I love my nephew, but I’m only here to watch VelociRyan

Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.

Friend: oh my god there’s two of you

My evil clone: I’m the real one, I swear

Me: [remembering I promised I’d go out and socialise tonight] yea she’s right

If the CIA has my house bugged they’ve heard several impromptu songs about my dog being a good boy.

Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 7.

why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?

Kelly Ayotte says “Donald Trump is absolutely a role model for kids.” She’s right, kids don’t pay taxes either.

[Using My Shrink Ray]

Me: I feel so small

Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that

Not trying to brag but this cop says my rear end is smoking

SALMON: Who has been spreading gossip I thought I could trust you two

TROUT: I don’t know, who could it be?!

BIG MOUTH BASS: Yeah, who??

His flabber was gasted 😂

Doctor: When he wakes from this coma, we don’t know if he’ll be the same or have brain damage

Me *opening eyes* gonna buy a duck and call it Dan Quackroyd

Doctor: Oh no

Wife: Oh shit he’s the same

“Open face” is both a good type of sandwich and also how you eat them

Pretty sure California’s water crisis could have been solved with the number of dropped ice cubes that I’ve lazily kicked under the fridge.

*checks WebMD*
Holy crap, I need an ambulance!
*checks insurance deductible*
Nevermind, I’ll just take a vitamin or something.

Imagining serif fonts taking off their little hats and shoes when they get home from work

It took 3 employees to help me complete “self-checkout” today.

When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.

well well well if it isn’t the bridge I said i’d cross when I came to it

TSA agent: I’m sorry we don’t allow liquids over 3.4 ounces

me: ok I’ll finish it here [drenches myself with Axe deodorant]

My kids came over for their weekly visit and I said to them: “Life is short so never spend time doing anything you don’t want to do.” They said: “Cool! Bye.”

Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.

My pregnant friends put me in charge of their gender reveal party

I can’t wait till they pop the balloon & find out they’re having a kraken

My son is sitting next to me here playing some kinda shooting game and complaining about people using aimbots.
As someone who’s cleaned his bathroom I wish he’d use them too.

My muffin top has become a full blown birthday cake.