ME: It’s about the journey, not the destination, Sharon

HER: You don’t know how to steer this hot air balloon do you?

ME: I do not.

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– My dad (driving my car): How long has your car been doing this?
– Me: …Doing what?


(Watching Planet Earth)

DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: A narrow escape. The rabbit lives to fight another day

ME: hooray I wanted this

DA: The fox will have nothing to feed its hungry babies

ME: Oh no why did I want this


Oh my god you don’t need makeup!

~ people who have obviously never seen me without makeup


Eating a banana.
Thought I should tell you. Twitter seems concerned about women getting enough potassium.

But… why can’t I use my teeth?


The worst thing about when someone tells you to chillax is what to do with their corpse.


Hug a tree. Then rub your hands along it’s trunk and tell it how knotty it is.


“I usually don’t do this on the first date,” I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises


Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.


I wasn’t good enough for you in high school but suddenly after 5 kids a husband and 3 boyfriends I’m starting to look good eh?


Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.