Me: it’s about the journey not the destination
Patient: [bleeding out] I want a different ambulance driver
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REASONS TO BRING BACK DRAGONS
• can cook your toast
• would be a warm and wholesome nap partner
• riding one + your cloak fluttering behind you is epic
• they can scream companionably with you
• if you’re losing an argument, your dragon can just eat the person
The platypus is the hotdog of the animal kingdom. All the leftovers were thrown together, and people just accepted it.
i’m on my way to a date with a girl i asked out while blackout drunk in the bathroom of pie express. i don’t know what she looks like or why she agreed to go out with me but wish us luck lmao
*Prosecution lawyer paints white stripe on otter*
DEFENCE LAWYER: Objection, Your Honour. He’s clearly badgering the witness.
Thinking about how if early humans had obituaries how many of them would just read, “He tried a new kinda berry.”
ME: nice fanny pack u weirdo
KANGAROO: *puts phone in pouch, pulls out a knife*
ME: holy shit
I’m such a procrastinator, I’m just now getting around to worrying about Zika Virus.
Morpheus: Take the blue pill, story ends
Neo:
Morpheus: Red pill, stay in wonderland
Neo:
Morpheus: Green pill, you learn to juggle
Neo: What-
Morpheus: This purple one is a skittle
Therapist: So what steps can you take to break your people-pleasing habits?
Me: Ask my mother what she wants me to do?
Therapist: No.
Me: Sorry. Are you mad at me?
[Americas Got Talent]
ME: *reads an opinion different than mine online without getting offended*
JUDGE (under his breath): how’d he do that
16- *bragging about his mustache*
12- Mom’s mustache is way better than yours
Me-
I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.
Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.
u are suposed to knock on watermelons befor u eat them to make sure that u are not eatimg anybodys home
I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered
Me: Who is the most handsome man in the world?
Wife: Ewan McGreggor
Me: Thank you but you can only pick one
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: LMAO! The question should be when am I NOT sexually active!!
Doctor: ok when are you not sexually active?
Me: All the time
If movies have taught me anything it’s that when someone says, “sir, you can’t be in here,” if you retort with, “no no, it’s ok,” it totally becomes ok.
Found newspaper from day my son was born. Originally saved so he could see news of that day. Now saving so he can see what a newspaper was.
Turns out that the best way to find a flat head screw driver is to pretend to look for a phillips one.
*takes pen and notepad from psychiatrist’s hand
“This’ll go quicker if you let me do it.”
The scariest women I’ve known are five feet tall and under. My grandmother was oldest of 11 children, 4 feet 10 Irish Catholic terrifying. I once saw her false teeth fly out and continue yelling at my Uncle John.
I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Cuz saying ‘pulled me under’ sounds weird??
*cough*
my 80yr/o grandma is on facebook & she is a living click-bait article, she didn’t even tell me what to do with it
Body: we’re going to bed
Brain: that doesn’t mean we’re going to sleep
This made me laugh more than it should’ve 😭