@AbbieEvansXO

Me: it’s about the journey not the destination

Patient: [bleeding out] I want a different ambulance driver

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@pixelatedboat

New Call Of Duty game provides most realistic simulation ever of being repeatedly murdered by racist twelve year olds

@Alex_N_Chains

Today on “Dora the Explorer”, Dora and Boots learn there are some places they can’t explore when Map leads them to an armed border patrol.

@DrakeGatsby

Feeling hurt and lonely. My usual Top Chef watch party attendees said they won’t be coming because of social distancing. They’re my cats and they live with me so I’m very confused.

@TheWeirdWorld

Teachers: You can’t write an essay in a night. Exam: Write an essay in two hours.

@chuuew

I bet the first person to see leaves grow back on trees after winter was like “well that’s a releaf”

@PleaseBeGneiss

Person having heart attack: do you know cpr?

Me: no *pulling out phone* are they on spotify?

@just1fool

The last beer didn’t tell me why life is so confusing but it told me the next one would.

@DontTouchMyWine

It sucks when someone cuts you off in traffic and you have to catch up to them & throw a perfectly good cup of coffee at their windshield.

@crylenol

What idiot named him Spider-Man instead of Peter Parkour?