Me: it’s about the journey not the destination
Patient: [bleeding out] I want a different ambulance driver
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[Entering Building As A Guy Leaves]
Me: It’s muggy out there.
Guy: I’ll be fine.
*guy is beaten & robbed immediately.
M: Told you.
I will disappear on you at a party and show up 3 hours later with bruises, no phone and a goat.
*fart noise*
ME: it was your dog. I swear!
GIRL: my dog died last year you liar
GHOST DOG: theres no way she’s gonna sleep with you now lmao
No one is more ambitious than a mom with a single day off.
Chris: I don’t care.
Kris: I don’t kare either.
I’m sorry your wife touches the elf on the shelf more than you.
I’m smart but not “know when to stop eating” smart.
Husband: wanna have a quickie?
Me: As opposed to what?
I like to go camping so I can come home with a renewed appreciation for my house.
Me: Nice abs, bro
Gym bruh: Uh, thanks?
Me: *pulling a sheet cake from my gym bag* Be a shame if something were to happen to them
Stray dog: digs through garbage all day to find one piece of food to survive.
My dog: eats one piece of new kibble and vomits because it’s not his favorite brand. Goes on a hunger strike.
Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.
when a man describes himself as “old-fashioned,” it means he drinks craft beer and wears a tweed jacket. when a woman calls herself old-fashioned, it means she’s secretly a powerful witch who hunts murderers at a haunted bed-and-breakfast.
This edible ain’t shit.
*5 minutes later
Is it just me or is it hungry in here?
Twitter taught me that:
1) Tweets don’t always have to make sense
2) People sure do love to answer rhetorical questions
this is why god doesn’t talk to us anymore
Hung out with some new people and after they left my girlfriend said, “…What if we had some kind of hand signal for when you should stop talking?”
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Chief Executive Director of Burrito Operations.
Interviewer: Uh… we’re not a food company.
Me: *leans back, puts feet on the desk, pulls out a burrito* Yet.
“I’m an Aquarius, I hate it when people stab me in the back.”
Wow. The rest of us absolutely love it.
My kids are so aware that I’m a bad driver that if I start the car before they have their seatbelts on, they cry.
Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it’s girlfriend tells it to do.
*lies down on couch*
*turns on TV*
*covers up with blanket*
*adjusts pillows perfectly*
[from other room: “Honey can you come here please?”]
JESUS (hitting snooze): Just three more days.
Gambling is all about getting something for nothing and spending thousands of dollars trying to do it.
The people who choose the “healthier option” at McDonald’s get a bad wrap.
Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.
Sure, new mom Kylie Jenner goes makeup-free for Vogue & everyone celebrates her.
But when I go makeup-free to the grocery store, people are all, “Are you ok?? You look sick. You need sleep. And vitamins.”
I give new meaning to the word “awesome.”
At least I did when I changed the Wikipedia entry.
Me: “ahhh there’s the money shot”
Sniper: would you get your chin off my shoulder?
[Gets on one knee]
Margaret-
[Pulls out ring]
Will you- will you please hide this, Gollum won’t stop following me.