Me: It’s America’s birthday!
Kid: Like Brave?
Me: Yes! Home of the brave. So smart!
Kid: I like her orange hair.
Me: …ok let’s start over.
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Battle of the bird feeder
Husband – 3
Squirrels – 85,678
My neighbor keeps going fly fishing, but every time he comes back with just a bunch of fish. Those flies are crafty and whatnot.
Two guys in the airport bar are amazed a margherita pizza has no alcohol in it and they’re the reason you can’t leave bags unattended.
Over the last few months I’ve collected enough wine corks to raise the Titanic
I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.
They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.
If you’re not vacuuming sand out of your car two years later, did you really take it to the beach?
Fridges are proof that it’s what’s inside that matters and not how you look like on the outside.
7am: *starts diet*
7pm: *eats the house*
when I was 12 or so my babysitter would always talk about this girl she used to babysit—how cool she was, how much she missed her—and it made me hate this girl out of pure childish jealously bc I wanted my babysitter to think *I* was cool. the other girl was Emma Stone however
Ever get home, look at your hair in a mirror, and wonder how many small children you terrified while you were out
Couple down the street from us celebrated 53 years of marriage the other day.
I asked the wife “how did you do it?”
She said “my knees tired”.
They go to church every Sunday so I THINK she meant pray.
But Jesus Christ i just ain’t all the way sure.
Things that are loud:
Jet engines
Dynamite
Opening a bag of Sun Chips at a funeral
Rock concerts
9 yo: Mom, please don’t put cheese in my lunch today.
Me: Too late. Havarti packed it.
9 yo: MOM
Paranormal activity camera 3:33am…
Only catches me eating a chicken leg while doing the robot in my underwear.
Raising my baby pterodactyl has been a nightmare. “Don’t forget to pee in the toilet,” I’d say. “Do what in the toilet?” he’d respond.
“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.
“I’m still at the airport, actually.” -A woman next to me on the train just now
If my bird identification app can’t pick up a bird I’m trying to identify because your lawn mower is too loud, I’ll drive my car through the side of your house.
My god, horses chased me for 5 minutes.
Most terrifying carousel ride ever.
UNHAND ME
Wait
how many?
frodo threw my serotonin into mount doom.
Me[seeing snow for the first time]: Damn, that rain is thicc!
the holes in my logic are there so it can breathe
Me: *coughs*
*coughs again*Husband: Are you ok?
Me: Yes.
*secretly opening the last sleeve of thin mints I don’t want to share*
The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”
I whispered back, “bring pizza”
A word of caution from someone who took two (2) of his kids to their initial orthodontist appointments today: Before you decide that you can afford to have children, remember that children have teeth.
The sole purpose of a potato masher is to prevent you from opening a drawer.
Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
“To keep their nuts dry.”
HAHAHAHA!
(Please don’t leave me. I was dropped on my head as a baby.)
[reverse psychology]
me: tell me about your childhood
therapist: *crying* where do I begin?
Fall semester: kid leaves for college for the first time, how will I live without you?
Spring Break: HOW DID I EVER LIVE WITH YOU?