Me: it’s bed time!
My kids: PARKOUR!
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Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….
Me: …sweep the leg?
[300 ferrets arrive at funfair]
“You sure about this?”
“I swear to fucken God, dude said there’s a 250ft ferrets wheel here somewhere.”
Look dude, I’m going to need to see alot more chest hair and jewelry if you want into my Disco party
I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it
When you’re feeling frisky and shaved up to your knee.
[first rap battle]
me: call me artisanal burger because i’m falling apart
opponent: please stop crying
[commercial for soup]
NARRATOR: ever wanna drink a sandwich?
*At the magic show*
Magician: Now I need a volunteer
Gary the Murderer: *raises a hand*
Magician: OH MY GOD WHOSE HAND IS THAT
If you do not brick up your chimney this year to keep Santa out, you’re not taking this virus very seriously.
Me: I’d like to schedule an eye exam.
Receptionist; Any particular reason?
Me: Bikini season.
Neighbor: What do you do?
Me: I work from home. I’m a writer and editor.
Neighbor: Ah, well… No shame in that.Nope, not until now, dude.
It doesn’t necessarily absolutely have to be Halloween to grab a bag and go to your neighbours to ask for candy, right? Back me up on this, gang
*first day as getaway driver
“I’m gonna make a Starbucks run while you’re in the bank. Who wants what?”
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
I’m upstairs and the food is downstairs. Send help.
Australia’s reputation for dangerous wildlife is exaggerated.
Statistics show that 43% of Australians actually escape being eaten and survive to adulthood.
GF: I’m moving out if you don’t stop pretending you work at a supermarket.
ME: Ok. Do you need any help with your packing?
just saw a guy pull down his sunglasses and look at a firetruck go by like a sexy lady in an 80s movie
Suggested movie theater prices: Adults – $9.00, Under 12 – $ 6.00, Under 3 – $249.00
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
Breaking news!? Shark sighting off Daytona shores. It’s the ocean! That’s where they live. I saw a bird in the sky. Report that too!
“Do one thing today that scares you.”
*shrugs*
*licks elevator button*
dumbledore, completely wasted: I should have know you’d be here professor mcgonagall
some random cat:
How dare you with another bird…😏😂🦜
That’s what I call a flat tire
You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping
I’m giving up for Lent.
Met this chinese guy with the surname Shen. His name’s Eric. As in Eric Shen. Have him for more than 4hours, call a doctor!
*gets in huge line at the donut shop*
*taps foot*
*sweats*
*shakes*
*causally hums the Jaws theme until people get out of my way*