In honour ouf Canada Day, I’m incourpourating unnecessary ‘u’s intou my wourds.
Me: it’s bed time!
My kids: PARKOUR!
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I wish Bond movies gave a more realistic view of his jet lag and traveler’s diarrhea.
*interrupts parent & child on bus* Actually thats not true, Wolverine has died many times *they get up* Your mother cant shelter you forever
I just referred to tongs as ‘food tweezers’ in case you want to be in awe of my command of the English language.
me: wanna do something fun?
her: already have plans
me: *watching her wax her legs and pluck her eyebrows* our idea of fun is very different
Me, a cowboy: *gallops heroically into town*
Sheriff: can i help you son?
Me: *sweating profusely* has – has anybody seen my horse?
M: If I cashew looking through my windows agai-
M: I saw you pecan!
H: No, I wasn-
M: You’re macadamian me mad.
H: You’re nuts.
*gets summoned to the spider court*
YOU ARE HEREBY CHARGED WITH THE CRUSHING OF 4 SPIDERS
HOW DO YOU PLEAD?
*places glass over spider judge*
[Girl over my house]
“My ex boyfriend had this weird one-man-band thing. You dont, right?”
[Unclipping my harmonica holder]
SHHHHH!!!!!!! I just got followed by a Jehovah Witness. All of you keep quiet and pretend we aren’t home…