@BunAndLeggings

Me: it’s bed time!

My kids: PARKOUR!

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@rachann79

In honour ouf Canada Day, I’m incourpourating unnecessary ‘u’s intou my wourds.

@juliussharpe

I wish Bond movies gave a more realistic view of his jet lag and traveler’s diarrhea.

@briangaar

*interrupts parent & child on bus* Actually thats not true, Wolverine has died many times *they get up* Your mother cant shelter you forever

@LindaInDisguise

I just referred to tongs as ‘food tweezers’ in case you want to be in awe of my command of the English language.

@Gupton68

me: wanna do something fun?

her: already have plans

me: *watching her wax her legs and pluck her eyebrows* our idea of fun is very different

@sonictyrant

Me, a cowboy: *gallops heroically into town*

Sheriff: can i help you son?

Me: *sweating profusely* has – has anybody seen my horse?

@Jay_FrickinLynn

M: If I cashew looking through my windows agai-
H: What?
M: I saw you pecan!
H: No, I wasn-
M: You’re macadamian me mad.
H: You’re nuts.

@Death_Buddy

*gets summoned to the spider court*
YOU ARE HEREBY CHARGED WITH THE CRUSHING OF 4 SPIDERS
HOW DO YOU PLEAD?
*places glass over spider judge*

@T_Longstreth

[Girl over my house]
“My ex boyfriend had this weird one-man-band thing. You dont, right?”
[Unclipping my harmonica holder]
Def not.

@Douchekevin

SHHHHH!!!!!!! I just got followed by a Jehovah Witness. All of you keep quiet and pretend we aren’t home…