Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Walk slow and never assume the automatic door will open.

I’m constantly amazed that only 26 letters in the alphabet can produce so much bullshit.

This bicyclist in front of me sure dresses like he could be pedaling faster.

[you get brutally murdered and the killer is never found]

somebody 30 years later watching a documentary about it: this show is awesome lol

Don’t let Pennywise sour you on the idea of hanging out in the sewers. I met some of my best friends hanging out in the sewers.

*opens briefcase and presentation about 9/11 conspiracies falls out*
But that means
[cut to my son giving presentation about cool dinosaurs]

Watching movies with kids:

If he/she hasn’t seen it, eons and billions of questions.

If he/she has seen it, eons and billions of spoilers.

Alfred: About your girlfriend Catwoman…
Batman: Yes, she’s a thief, but-
A: No, she pooped on the rug again. Right next to the litter box!

My 6yo spread peanut butter all over the floor outside my bedroom as an April Fools prank.
Is there an age limit for being able to drop a kid off at the fire station with no questions asked?

if bears could make porridge the temperature would be like the last thing on my list of concerns

“Captain, I do believe a larger vessel might be in order.”

–Jaws, dubbed for England

Me: These five words I swear to you, when you breathe I want-

Him: Stop singing to the mustard

Me: *stands up and closes fridge* Whatever.

officer: witnesses say the baby was tossed out of the restaurant like a football

detective: for crying out loud!

officer: most likely yes

Girlfriend: *twirls hair* so tell me what you like about me the most
Me: probably your willingness to date me

OMG, I can’t believe all the people who are out despite the stay at home orders.

…Says the person who’s out despite the stay at home orders.

“Peanuts make me swell up like a beach ball”
“Is that an allergy?”
“No, simile”

me: in or out

dog: yep

me: which one

dog: you bet

Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.

Me: I’m updating my fitness app. Is bowling a sport?

Him: You didn’t bowl. You kept score.

Me: Is score-keeping for bowling a sport?

me: I forgot my line

movie director: I really regret bringing you on this fishing trip

Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?

Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.

Gonna turn my life around!

[10 min later]

Oh well, I tried.

A lady got off the train so I finished her crossword. Turns out she’d just gone to the toilet and now she’s back and she hates me.

it was love at first sight

*buys 8 first class tickets, fills all of them with infants and toddlers*

Me, from way back in coach: *cups hands* SUCK IT RICH PEOPLE

“I wasn’t born yesterday.”

-hilarious talking baby

I’m scared. I have this weird stabby pain in my chest and it really hurts and..Dorito. It was a Dorito in my bra.

[opens fortune cookie]

be careful what you wish for

[opens another]

this is your final warning

*gets a full 8 hours of sleep*

Me: That’s suspicious

“this too shall pass” okay but like… when exactly