Me: It’s been 3 years, but I’m finally making progress on my book.
Friend: You’re writing a book?
Me: No. I meant the book I’m reading.
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“You wore that before.”
Yes, because I own a washing machine.
HULK:*smashes a tank*
IRON MAN:*flies bomb into space to save mankind*
HAWKEYE: I have an arrow w/ your name on it pal, hold on stand still
Have you ever read a reply so stupid you had to click on the profile to see if the person looks as stupid?
[funeral]
WIDOW: thank you for coming
ME: are you kidding, I love funerals
my signature move is called “the Mouse,” where I run around the dance floor wearing nothing but a tampon
Villain: We meet again, Mr. Bond
Bond: You don’t remember my 1st name do you
Villain: Sure I do. It’s uh..
Bond: C’mon this is our 3rd fight
Netflix needs an “unwatch” button so you can watch the newest episode without getting caught
Visitor squirming: what am I sitting on?
Me: I forgot to get meat out to thaw for supper
Amal Clooney bought hubby George a riding lawnmower for his 55th birthday. I have never been so jealous of a garden tool in my life.
*waiter pouring wine*
Say when sir
*wine slowly fills up the restaurant*
I like big rolls of toilet paper. Mega roll? Not good enough. I want the roll to protrude into the next room. I want there to be a danger I may become trapped beneath it. I want two burly men in herringbone driver’s caps to wrestle the new roll into place twice a year
THEM: where are you from
ME: canada
THEM: no, where are you FROM from
ME: ooohh…! canada
THEM: no, like what’s your background
ME: oooh…!
[shows them my phone background]
She wasn’t matching our energy so I had to fix it for her 🙄😂
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down~me, doing cardio
So when a cat pounces on a stranger’s lap and demands tickles it’s “cute” but when I do it I’m “causing trouble in Starbucks” again. Jeez!
I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon
If you hear someone yelling “we have macaroni and cheese and bread at the house,” don’t worry that’s just my dad because I just paid $10.16 for a grilled macaroni and cheese sandwich at Panera Bread.
He wasn’t with me, but I’m sure he feels a disturbance in the force.
Funny how airport security always “randomly” chooses me for physical checking. Even when I’m not even at the airport and chilling at home.
Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.
I just got off the phone with God. He’s pretty bummed out. Poor guy has a huge crush on an atheist, but she doesn’t even know he exists.
Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.
Imagine the things Wile E. Coyote could have done if he’d had access to Amazon Prime Days.
DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?
ME: No thank you.
It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Pokey.
But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.
I spilled beer on a guy. He said “You wanna dance?” I said “Can’t, I don’t have my dancing shoes on.” He was so disappointed, he beat me up.
Remember the good old days when everyone was going to hell in handbaskets instead of in flaming runaway mine carts?
My grandma just described my grandads driving as erotic and I’m seriously hoping she meant erratic or grandma has some kinks I don’t wanna know about
What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?
for some *ridiculous* reason the french love to translate movie titles from english to… english
here’s a thread with my all-time favorites, starting with “the hangover”
…i mean VERY BAD TRIP