@Smooheed

Me: it’s been a while since I did anything embarrassingly clumsy

Universe: give it time

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@Donna_McCoy

I just smile when someone says I eat like a horse, because it’s hard to argue through a mouthful of sugar cubes.

@ThatThunderMan

You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think

“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?

@Mom_Overboard

[speed dating]

Him: have you ever been married?

Me: just once… we had a beautiful ceremony in my parents yard with all my Barbie dolls in attendance but an hour later he went back to live with his mom

Him: lol aww you were 5?

Me: don’t be ridiculous *sips drink* I was 30

@FlyJ_

I have 1 calorie left for the day on MyFitnessPal app. I think I’ll eat this fruit fly that’s been annoying me.

@LlamaInaTux

girls are like kittens. they are cute and fun to snuggle but sometimes they get stuck in trees and I don’t know what to do.

@ojedge

“Spirits, are you there?”

[ouija board] IF  YOU  LIKE  IT  THEN  YOU  SHOULDA  PUT  A  RING  ON  IT

“Damn it, we’ve held a séaoncé again!”

@andlikelaura

Harry Potter at an interview

Interviewer: It says here you defeated Lord Voldemort when you were 17 years-old.
Harry: That’s correct, sir.
Interviewer: But no experience with Excel. Wow.

@behindyourback

I took my 5y/o to a protest hoping to get a woke-baby quote from him but instead he said “cool, a yelling party” and then screamed for a bit

@Pundamentalism

My girlfriend asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.