Most people don’t know this, but a canine that practices medicine is called a Dogter.
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It’s a beautiful day! The grill is going, I have a beer in my hand, the manager of this Walmart is yelling something wtf does he want
After I mow my lawn, I give my neighbor about 72 hours to respond.
barista: room for cream?
me: oh you must be new *puts hand on his shoulder* that’s called a refrigerator
“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.
Sure. I lift.
*lifts donut to mouth*
If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.
*opens my lunch of hard boiled eggs, pickles and kombucha *
Why does everyone on this bus hate me?
Me after a regular weekend: Back to the grind
Me after a 3-day weekend: How now shall I labor when I’ve grown accustomed to my rightful place among the leisure class
[first date]
Date: tell me something you’re were really good at as a kid.
Me: spelling bee.
Date: oh nice! do you still got it?
Me: b-e-e.
I photoshopped myself into a photo booth strip a coworker had on her desk and replaced it. And now we wait…
me working on my assignments ^-^
Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.
Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.
Never figured out why animated movies always showed a witch brewing some boiling hot Mountain Dew in a big cauldron.
Wife: your birthday is coming up so don’t buy yourself anything for the next month
Me: ok I won’t.
[mini-horse walks through the kitchen]
Wife:
Me: starting now.
Everyone keeps returning to the same hypothetical. If loving you is wrong…
Bullshit.
What if loving you is gross? That’s the question.
Winnie the Pooh: will u marry me?
Piglet: for the last time, u don’t get a literal “honey” moon
Pooh: pls say yes I need to see for myself
So we’ve been saving this hour for four months and we’re going to squander it all in one night?
I tell ya, government spending is out of control.
Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.
we had no idea the Scorpion Team would be so aggressive
I wanna get HAMMERED tonight.
Seriously?
Yeah, drunk as hell, bro.
Riiight. Of course, of course. *quietly slides hammer back into sleeve*
Saying Trump can’t be an antisemite because his daughter converted to Judaism is like saying he can’t be sexist because he married a woman.
Me: OK Fine. 𝑰’𝑳𝑳 cook the turkey this time for the Holiday.
[Family Dinner]
Me: Who wants burnt meat and who wants raw meat?
ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty
A corn maze but inside you try to apply for unemployment.
me: I saw our neighbor walking his dog at 6 AM and he looked so unhappy
wife: maybe the two are related?
me: no, I think they’re just good friends
How many light bulbs does it take to fix a person?
Me: Do you want kids?
Date: Yes! Definitely.Me: How many?
Date: Ideally two. A boy and a girl.Me: Perfect. I’ll drop them off on Saturday. Good luck.
Why does body wash have directions, it’s literally the name
Me during the day: “I’ve learned not to worry about things I can’t control.”
Me at 3:42am: “What are the chances of surviving a medium-sized asteroid impact?”
Stop filtering your teeth on your selfies goddammit they can be seen from space