Me: it’s been a while since I did anything embarrassingly clumsy

Universe: give it time

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The only reason they’re called “jellyfish” is that ‘discarded grocery bags of death’ was considered “too wordy”.


Vowels were invented by old men trying to take their socks off


Cop: “You been drinkin?”
Me: I’m going to dinner w/my wife’s mom & 94yo granny
“You’re free to go..”
Come on dude. Can’t you just arrest me?


There’s panic and then there’s can’t-find-your-tampon-string-panic.


Me: I just want to be the hat girl at the gym.
Them: You mean hot girl?
Me: *on treadmill*
*wearing a ski mask, beret, and cowboy hat*


Obviously chocolate was created for women

It’s called HERshey, not HISshey


I stopped fighting my inner demons; We’re totes BFFs now.


Professor X: So what’s your power?

Me: I can heal immediately-

X: Oh, we already have someone that can do that.

Me: -from any emotional wounds.

X: That’s dumb. You can’t join the team.

Me: I’m completely ok with that.


I just ran into my friend Sue. She introduced me to her second husband. I said “I wouldn’t have picked him first either.”