Me: It’s been a while since we’ve had to take one of the kids to the ER.
Trampoline: Hold my beer.
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You know you’ve really messed up when your teen stops you mid sentence with “Dude. No” then follows it up with “Duuuuuude. Stop”
going to the doctor for the first time since becoming a doctor, can’t wait to say “ah yes i concur with your diagnosis”
The roof of my mouth has had it too easy lately. I’m gonna eat some scalding hot pizza followed by a handful of granola.
i think it’s time i give cats another chance. if any cats are reading this i just wanna say sorry for wanting to send u all to the military (even tho i still think it’s a good idea since u all have 9 lives) and i’m willing to start over if u are
Merry Christmas
If I say something happened “the other day” that could mean any time after 1994
Weird…the ChatGPT warnings are the same ones I have on my hinge profile…
The “bangles to politicians” insult says “come be weak like women because the weak wear bangles”. No thanks, “self-proclaimed real men”.
“Our guests often come for a week but stay for months.”
– The cruise industry, putting a positive spin on Covid-19.
My friends just had a baby and they named him Frank. He’s 3 days old and he can fix a leaky tap.
I had a very intense dream I was having an affair w/a famous Youtuber. I felt so guilty I woke up my husband and told him about said imaginary affair.
Husband took off his CPAP and said, “That guy? He’s not even hot.” Then put the CPAP back on and went back to sleep.
Marriage.
Spider-Man is my favorite superhero whose name is made up of 2 things that scare the shit out of me.
Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it
Me: I hate when corporate Twitter accounts pretend to be people
Amazon Prime: I was just saying this to my kids
Detective Baby: We got you dead to rights, dirtbag.
*suspect puts face in hands*
Detective Baby: HE’S ESCAPED
Harmonicas were invented in 1932 when the worst person in the world decided he needed to organize his hot air into compartments.
I have decided to take a martial arts class to deal with the mall’s aggressive kiosk people.
My son has a hard time waking up in the morning so he downloaded an obnoxious sounding alarm on his phone to ensure he wouldn’t oversleep.
So far the only people awake from it this morning are me, my husband & our neighbors.
named my phone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with glasses on either.
Daughter: Mom, it happened! He DMed me as soon as I followed him!
Mom: Oh honey!! I’ll call the florist and book the church for a fall wedding!!
I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.
*smoke detector chirps*
me*takes battery out*
*chirp*
me*cuts wires*
*chirp*
me*smashes it with a hammer*
*chirp*
wife:We have more than one
If you’re thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.
Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic
Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.
[Sitting in your closet]
I’m completely over you.
Wife: “If I die first, I want you to remarry.”
Me: “Wow. Do you really hate me that much?”
If y’all are gonna insist on calling those things “hoverboards,” I’ll be over here flying around with my “jetpack.”
CHIEF: say hi to ur new partner
ME: new partner? If it’s another duck–
*goose with a badge waddles in*
ME: okay but i’m driving this time
My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.