five mistletoes make up a mistlefoot thank you for your time
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Reasons I put my kids to bed on time:
3) They need their rest.
2) Routine is important.
1) “Game of Thrones” is on.
In space, no one can hear you scream.
In cyberspace, no one can shut you up.
I picked up & ate a huge piece of baklava at a coffee shop while standing at the register because I thought they were free samples. I chowed down on that thing in silence while the cashier just stared at me.
Actually, Kara, love is an illusion created by chemical reactions. The most powerful force in the world is the invisible hand of the market.
An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.
Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.
*relates to your tweet in the wrong way*
Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.
How school works:
In class: 2+2=4
Homework: 2+4+2=8
Exam: John had 4 apples.He eats one and gives one to a friend. Calculate the Sun’s mass.
This ad says: “3 out of 5 smokers die”
Apparently the other 2 become immortal.
someone: *obvious flirt*
me, oblivious fool: aw they are so nice
also me, five years later, waking up in cold sweat at 3 am: WAIT A MINUTE
Reminder: Before taking your first bite into a fast food sandwich you need to redistribute the pickles.
No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.
I was being a giraffe.
*goes to grocery store
*puts “gently used” sticker on all their cucumbers
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘effusive’
“E-F-F-U-S-I-V-E”
That is correct. What was your name?
“It’s Siv”
I know lmao [hi5s other judge]
My boss says I have to wear pants to work even if it is my birthday. Rude.
Me: “authenticity” is a weird concept with food. Most people would consider pizza to be more Italian than American. But the tomato only came to Italy in the 16th Century from, you guessed it, the Americas
Domino’s guy: please let me go, the app knows where I am
Barista: name?
Benedict Cumberbatch: Benedict Cumberbatch
Barista [writes “Benedict Cumberbatch”]
Benedict Cumberbatch: holy shit
“I see you have created a tiny human. I, too, have done this.”
-me trying to make mom friends. Should I not whisper it? I’ll try shouting
Almost done with my screenplay about the end of the world, and only cats survive.
I call it “Apocalypse Meow”.
Next on Fox News, men on women’s issues, white men on black issues, rich men discuss the poor and straight men talk about gays.
[knock at door]
ME: yes?
COP: is there a party going on?
ME: well, it’s my dog’s birthday-
[police dog jumps out with a present in his mouth]
COP: SURPRISE
Boss: you’re fired
Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?
Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”
is it possible to write a slack bot that will automatically replace “huddle” with “cuddle” as a fun prank?
the answer is yes, yes of course. The good folks at HR heard about it and now they want to see me! gonna cuddle with them first thing tomorrow. what fun.
No, these are my formal Crocs. We’re at a wedding, Sharon.
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.
Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐