ME: It’s been suggested that you are the average of the 5 people that you spend the most time around. Over time, you actually become similar to them.

ZOOKEEPER: Get out of the penguin exhibit or I am calling the cops.

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I hate it when my sock puppets fight. I don’t have a free hand to break them up.


Ed Sheeran: Darling, I will be loving you ’til we’re 70…

What girls hear: You’re gonna dump me at 71.


When I first went on the pill, I put on a bit of weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.


I was up way earlier than normal and I couldn’t find my cat. I walked around the neighborhood and found him being fed by a lady a few houses down. She had a different name for him and everything. He’s been living a double life. I feel so betrayed.


Colleague, commenting when the lockdown eventually lifts: oh you must’ve really missed the salon
Me, looking like I normally do:


[first date]

Him: Let’s take the stairs!

Me: I think we should see other people.


I love spending 20 mins wrapping cocktail weiners in croissant dough so the 3yo at the party can take off the ‘crust’ and eat just the ‘hotdog’.


You ever lied so much on a resume, you’re actually shocked that they gave you the job? I mean look at me, do I look like an astronaut?


Pharmacist: How can I help you?
Me: I’d like to see a menu.