@roxiqt

ME: It’s been suggested that you are the average of the 5 people that you spend the most time around. Over time, you actually become similar to them.

ZOOKEEPER: Get out of the penguin exhibit or I am calling the cops.

You Might Also Like

@myqkaplan

“if you could dinner with any scientist, alive or dead, which one would it be?”

“schrodinger”

@batkaren

LITTLE MERMAID 2016:

SEA WITCH URSULA: Your voice is mine mwaahahaha!!!

ARIEL: *flicks eyes up; keeps texting*

@usermcuserface

Calm down hipsters who clear your throats while pronouncing hummus. You bought it at Whole Foods, not a bazaar in Marrakech.

@Donna_McCoy

I only do cardio because it’s impossible to stalk someone you can’t keep up with.

@TheTweetOfGod

“Scientology” is a combination of “scient-,” meaning “science,” and “-ology,” meaning “science.” And it just gets stupider from there.

@UnFitz

Say it with flowers.

If that doesn’t work, say it with arson.

@tinatbh

All my friends look like a Victoria’s Secret model and I look like a Victoria sponge cake