@roxiqt

ME: It’s been suggested that you are the average of the 5 people that you spend the most time around. Over time, you actually become similar to them.

ZOOKEEPER: Get out of the penguin exhibit or I am calling the cops.

You Might Also Like

@jlock17

I hate it when my sock puppets fight. I don’t have a free hand to break them up.

@Ivsy01

Ed Sheeran: Darling, I will be loving you ’til we’re 70…

What girls hear: You’re gonna dump me at 71.

@GensPlace

When I first went on the pill, I put on a bit of weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.

@OctopusCaveman

I was up way earlier than normal and I couldn’t find my cat. I walked around the neighborhood and found him being fed by a lady a few houses down. She had a different name for him and everything. He’s been living a double life. I feel so betrayed.

@ShellHasDragons

Colleague, commenting when the lockdown eventually lifts: oh you must’ve really missed the salon
Me, looking like I normally do:

@Fickle_Filly

[first date]

Him: Let’s take the stairs!

Me: I think we should see other people.

@3sunzzz

I love spending 20 mins wrapping cocktail weiners in croissant dough so the 3yo at the party can take off the ‘crust’ and eat just the ‘hotdog’.

@Storminika

You ever lied so much on a resume, you’re actually shocked that they gave you the job? I mean look at me, do I look like an astronaut?

@WilliamAder

Pharmacist: How can I help you?
Me: I’d like to see a menu.