Me: it’s better to give than to receive.

Daughter: what about my enemies?

Me: d-do you have any enemies?

Daughter: not anymore.

Me: what does that mean?


Me: you’re only two! what does that mean?

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You don’t care when my dog does it, is not an acceptable explanation for shitting on your neighbor’s lawn. I know this now.


*me on my deathbed, surrounded by loved ones*
“This has been a good life, I’m so happy to go peacefu-

*Linkedin comes crashing through the wall*


Me: I thought I told you no more snacking

8: it’s an energy bar

Me: then why are there m&m’s on them?

8: duh…that’s where the energy comes from


Sitting outside the dentist office eating Oreos, b/c I think everyone should earn their pay.


i would like it if batmans ears folded down when he got sad


Hubs sent me this text:
There’s no wrong way to tell the person you love that their beautiful.

Me: *they’re.


i could miss 4 days of school in a row in HS and have all A’s and you zone out for 38 seconds in college and ur grade goes from a B to a G


Wife: I’m leaving you

Me: why

Wife: because you always make up lies to get me intrigued

Me: well then I guess you’ll never find the buried treasure


I’m playing dead at work right now so nobody will talk to me. Everyone is screaming. Probably should have used less fake blood.


Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.