Me: it’s better to give than to receive.
Daughter: what about my enemies?
Me: d-do you have any enemies?
Daughter: not anymore.
Me: what does that mean?
Daughter:
Me: you’re only two! what does that mean?
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Gave my family the wrong address for our beach rental. Hoping to get a couple days in before they find me.
[in bed]
me: was that thunder?
wife: i didn’t hear anything
dog: [checking Dog Handbook]
“in case of thunder, or any sound resembling thunder, stand directly on the nearest human head”
god: now to create a universe for man, my most beloved creation
lucifer: what if u make like 99.999% of it kill them instantly
god: lol ok
If you go to Hell for laughing during prayer, my family will burn for eternity.
*at bar*
Guy, “Do you come here often?”
Me, “I’m a 45 yr old mom of 7. The only place I go often is the grocery store.”
Guy, “I’ll just leave you alone then.”
Me, “Was it something I said?”
Her: *Googling* baby on fire what to do
Google: Call 911
Her: *Googling again* Baby on fire what to do NO TALKING ON PHONE
Go to a botanical garden? Haha, yeah, okay. Like I want to pay money to walk through a giant salad
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
Technically, it’s not gluttony if you refer to it as an “Emotional Support Snack”.
based al yankovic
wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap
Farmers who aren’t pro tractors, what’s your angle?
Facebook: I’m happy!
Instagram: I’m pretty!
Vine: I’m artsy!
Pinterest: I’m crafty!
Twitter: I’m lying everywhere but here.
The struggle when hungry me has to eat the lunch that healthy me packed
Everybody’s an atheist until the final two minutes of a sports game.
This is the last week you can threaten to cancel Christmas if your kids don’t do what you say; use it wisely.
At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter how many bowling pins you knock down, but whether or not you got a better score than the children playing in the lane next to you.
The one night I drag the lawn chair into the yard, I see a neighbor I haven’t seen in 3 years and she has a shovel. Is this how it all ends?
‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.
People who think being an aunt is some kind of “easy,” fun, responsibility-free way to spend time with kids REALLY do not understand how hard it is to open a child-locked drawer
My 6-year-old is always asking me about how I got bitten by a bear when I stuck my hand in a bear cage as a little girl and it becomes increasingly embarrassing to correct him every time and say that I was in fact a big girl.
Adult. I was an adult.
“So how did you two meet?”
“Unfortunately.”
The problem with teaching a man to fish is that eventually somebody will microwave that fish in the work break room.
*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles
Therapist: Tell me something that keeps you up at night.
Me: my husband’s snoring
Therapist: let me rephrase
Deodorant? No, I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it to me, complete strangers sometimes
No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.
I’m a bit of a traditionalist, so on my birthday, I smear my body with embryonic fluid.
There was a time I thought Radiohead was saying “I’m a creep, I’m a widow” and one day I heard someone sing the right word and well, only a freakin’ weirdo would think widow makes sense there, right.