Me: it’s better to give than to receive.
Daughter: what about my enemies?
Me: d-do you have any enemies?
Daughter: not anymore.
Me: what does that mean?
Daughter:
Me: you’re only two! what does that mean?
You Might Also Like
Had a customer accuse me of working at home (I work in a quiet office), said she could hear my wife and kids in the background. I don’t know if she’s delusional or if I should get out immediately.
Me: A gentleman never kisses and tells
Wife: Who. Was. She
1:5 people in the world are Chinese. My family has 5 people so its either my mom, dad, brother Colin or Ho-Chan-Chu. I think it’s Colin
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
This girl from my hometown just named her baby Brogan and everyone just let it happen
“Oh sure. Go down bout a mile, left at the store that’s not there anymore, & past the big tree. Can’t miss it.”
-every gas station attendant
“Mum I think I’m pregnant. ”
“Are you drunk?”
“How do you know?”
“A mother knows everything, Kevin.”
#MothersDay
Passwords are more important than ever.
Phantom of the Opera: Oh sure, NOW masks are totally cool.
[interrogation]
“What do u do for a living?”
Jewel thief.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Cool beef. I bring hot beef down in temperature.
Trump is opting not to have celebrities at his inauguration in the same way that I opted not to take any cheerleaders to prom.
Please let it be chicken..please let it be chicken
Saw 2 of my kids hugging and then realized they were choking each other and was like, ok, that makes more sense.
Optimus Prime: AUTOBOTS, ROLL OUT.
Me: *walks downstairs* where the hell is my toaster and microwave?
Told my 8yo he had to go outside and play for awhile before he was allowed to play more playstation
He refused because, “That’s bribery, Dad!” 😂
Me: Not today, Satan.
Her: Mom, stop calling me that.
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked? It’s not like your clothes die too.
Bugs have antennas so they can get a few local channels for free
Love it when I see the sign:
“You must have been born before 1999 to buy tobacco products.”My oldest bra can smoke now.
It turns out if you balance your checkbook when you’re drunk you have a lot more money.
Forgiveness is for people who don’t know about arson.
The fact that my balcony isn’t facing the street makes it nice and quiet but also makes my speeches to the people rather ineffective
me wanting to be loved vs. the mortifying ordeal of being known
It’s okay to get rid of the boxes for the electronic thing you’ve had for the past four years
It’s probably really hard for them to carry their backpacks.
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
[Heart: Tell her her eyes are windows into eternity, filled with fire…
Brain: Beacons, stars in a vast darkness]
Mouth: HEY GREAT EYEBALLS
My kids are asking for another dog that I can feed and walk.
If someone asks you a question you don’t want to answer just say, “I don’t know. I ran into a sliding glass door and knocked myself out, and now I’m having trouble remembering things.” That will get them off your back for a week.
Cop: where were you between 5 and 6?
Robber: kindergarten probably