Me: it’s cold and wet.
Wipers: want me to smear the rain all over so you can’t see?
Me: n-no.
Defroster: I’ll fog every window in this car.
Me: why?
Windshield: here’s a small spot above the steering wheel to look through.
Me:
Windshield: I’m gonna need you to hunch over.
You Might Also Like
Not a lot of people know this but if you tell someone with chronic pain that they should “just try meditating” then they are legally allowed to poke you in the eye
*kid finds Easter Basket
Noodles, sauce, cheese, meat, what’s going on dad?
“What else you get?!”
A lasagna recipe..
“Great make dinner”
Accidentally pressed 2 for Spanish and Donald Trump’s security team came out of nowhere to deport me.
I’m working out again in hopes that I can wear my superhero shirt in public without someone saying, “Batman really let himself go”.
I bet the person who named the fireplace also named the waterfall
[trial in gotham]
lawyer: please state your name for the court
bruce wayne: batman
lawyer:
judge:
jury:
bruce wayne: wait shit no
First person to build a clock had no idea how long it took.
Them: There are plenty of fish in the sea.
Me: There is also 14 billion tons of garbage in the sea.
You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.
You’re not a real family unless you all have different names for the same dog.
Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.
I had a rough childhood. I saw things that no one should ever have to see. For example, The Phantom Menace.
Have a lovely day 😊
[me talking to someone one year younger than me]
listen, kid…
I think what my heartburn needs is some fried chicken
Women: I need a man that can open pickle jars and kill spiders
Me: *Opens a jar of spiders* Did I do this right?
When life hands you donkeys, move to a mountainous region.
when your ex needs to go to space about it, you won the divorce
[On my death bed]
My son: Before you go, could you make me pancakes?
i will email myself something and then immediately stress once i hear the email notification bc i already forgot :/
unilever exec: look truthfully we don’t care if u put the q-tip in ur ear just stop when u encounter resistance
me: [already pushing it out the other side]
Axl Rose: You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby
Tarzan: yeah but why are you here.
Going topless is a vibe. Yes my friend’s car is a convertible.
January 29, 1802, 2 AM: I hope this letter finds you well. Are you up?
March 2: I am, good sir
April 6: Would you kindly come over?
May 9: K
Wife: I’m going out now
Me: Wait! Where are you going?
Wife: Yes.
*door slams*
Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.
being a pirate is so easy…I can do it standing on one leg
Body: All done?
Brain: All done.
Body: goodnight
Brain: goodnight
Body:
Brain:Brain: Flintstone tiptoed a lot for a big dude
I’ve been sick with Covid and on heavy medications, which have caused me to have dreams about my high school boyfriend every night for a week. It was worse than the Covid.