@NewDadNotes

Me: it’s cold and wet.

Wipers: want me to smear the rain all over so you can’t see?

Me: n-no.

Defroster: I’ll fog every window in this car.

Me: why?

Windshield: here’s a small spot above the steering wheel to look through.

Me:

Windshield: I’m gonna need you to hunch over.

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@flashember

Desperate, I pull a goose from my bag and throw it screaming into the bully’s face. Gertrude, my biggest and angriest goose, destroys him.

@64spoons

Got CPR and CCR confused. Ended up playing “Fortunate Son” on my boombox while watching a man die.

@hippieswordfish

ME: *falls down the stairs* help buddy im hurt bad call 911
ROBE-BOT: another robe sir?

@GetCougarized

Customer spelling her name:

Me: Is that V as in Victor or Z as in Zebra?
Her: Z as in Xylophone.

And this, kids, is why education is key.

@LVMelL0

I’ve gained so much weight during this time off, my dating profile just matched me with a refrigerator.

@extranapkins

Remember “pantsing” people in high school… sneaking up behind one of your bros and slipping an extra pair of pants on over his pants

@ItsAndyRyan

Countries whose names are lies:

• Chile – pretty warm
• Ivory Coast – it’s sand
• Greenland – nope
• Turkey – not a flightless bird
• United Kingdom

@ThugRaccoons

Me: *Swimming with dolphins*

Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?

@asherperlman

me: *click*

ceiling fan: still on

me: *click*

ceiling fan: still on

me: *click*

ceiling fan: one more

me: *click*

ceiling fan: jk. was off. now back on and faster than ever!