Me: it’s cold and wet.

Wipers: want me to smear the rain all over so you can’t see?

Me: n-no.

Defroster: I’ll fog every window in this car.

Me: why?

Windshield: here’s a small spot above the steering wheel to look through.


Windshield: I’m gonna need you to hunch over.

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Desperate, I pull a goose from my bag and throw it screaming into the bully’s face. Gertrude, my biggest and angriest goose, destroys him.


Got CPR and CCR confused. Ended up playing “Fortunate Son” on my boombox while watching a man die.


ME: *falls down the stairs* help buddy im hurt bad call 911
ROBE-BOT: another robe sir?


Customer spelling her name:

Me: Is that V as in Victor or Z as in Zebra?
Her: Z as in Xylophone.

And this, kids, is why education is key.


I’ve gained so much weight during this time off, my dating profile just matched me with a refrigerator.


Remember “pantsing” people in high school… sneaking up behind one of your bros and slipping an extra pair of pants on over his pants


Countries whose names are lies:

• Chile – pretty warm
• Ivory Coast – it’s sand
• Greenland – nope
• Turkey – not a flightless bird
• United Kingdom


Me: *Swimming with dolphins*

Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?


me: *click*

ceiling fan: still on

me: *click*

ceiling fan: still on

me: *click*

ceiling fan: one more

me: *click*

ceiling fan: jk. was off. now back on and faster than ever!