Me: it’s hot enough to fry an egg on the concrete
Public Health Inspector: temperature is not really the issue here
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[on Shark Tank]
Me: It’s a combat tank operated by sharks
Investor: Finally someone gets it
John Hammond: Damn. The dinosaurs got out and ate everyone
Me: Yeah. I guess there’s no more Jurassic Park
John Hammond:
Me:
John Hammond:
Me: I need to hear you to say it, John
[at restaurant]
Me: What’s under all that garnish?
Her: Nothing, it’s a salad.
(asking for a raise at work) please, my landlord needs this
When you want your ball, but you don’t want to get wet
🎾💧💦
Husband: Wow! The house looks amazing. We should invite ppl over more often so you keep it this clean.
I’m going to need help writing his obituary.
Sometimes, I like to establish dominance over my shorter friends by telling them we need to hurry, and then climbing up a staircase, two steps at a time.
Good News: Got rid of the skunk smell on the cat using hydrogen peroxide, dishsoap & baking soda
Bad News: the cat now looks like Billy Idol
7: MOMMY!
Me: *flys out of bed* What’s wrong?
7: I don’t know what time it is
Me: It’s the middle of the night
7: Then why are you awake?
It’s not really ‘fast food’ if fat people can catch it.
Waiter: would you like a little quiche before your main sir?
Me: ok, but no tongue
The worst part about getting Covid was losing my ability to smell what The Rock was cooking. 😕
I have a dentist appointment this afternoon. What’s the quickest way to erase a year of bad decisions?
Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.
Things I’ve learned as a mom:
Kiss boo boo’s.
Say I love you a lot.
Snuggle when they ask.
Do laundry daily.
Hide the good snacks.
How you can tell a writer has no siblings:
“Hey, little bro / little sis.“
How you can tell a writer has siblings:
“Hey, loser. Mom called.”
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “Leg day at the gym.”
The struggle when hungry me has to eat the lunch that healthy me packed
I liked the old days, when people tried to keep the fact that they were idiots to themselves.
First date:
And if you could slide over a little bit my Mom would like to sit next to you…
Maybe I’m the problem..
Nvm that don’t even sound right
[waterloo]
napoleon: wow. that was really embarrassing
general: yea
napoleon: hope nobody writes a song about this
What’s the loudest pet?
A trumpet.
#PetDay
once i got commissioned to review a film, and when i went to file my story I said “Here’s my review! Not a great movie tbh” and then forgot to paste in the Google Doc link, so the editor replied being like “oh… we’d still like an article?”
Doctor: You have emphysema
Batman: How?
Doctor: Probably from throwing smoke bombs to get out of tough situations
Batman:
Doctor:
Batman: *throws smoke bomb*
When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.
Boss: It’s a little strange that you’re only sick on Fridays…
Me: I have a weekend immune system.
Fluff me with a fork baby
If vampires drink too much blood do they get a fangover *throws phone in a lake
Movies show people kissing in the rain but I want a guy who’ll run out there and get the cushions off the porch chairs when the weather starts kicking up.