Me: it’s just a few spoonfuls of ice cream, why are you freaking out?
Him: that’s a ladle
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I love how my 4yo takes the time to stop what she’s doing to give me advice whenever I’m struggling, “maybe next time take the bread out of the oven before it burns.” That’s a good point, thanks.
God must really be loving Stupid people.. He created so many!!
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.
“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’ve tried all of them on?”
“This one.”
The Roomba is broken and now my wife expects me to fix it like she married Inspector Gadget or something.
guy: excuse me, can you jump my car
me: *tying shoes* probably how tall is it
guy: no like-
me: *handing phone* take a video
Me: I want a never ending spoon of Ben and Jerry’s
Genie: done
Ben Affleck and Jerry Garcia: why are we hugging this guy
Me: shhh
Due to the economy, I am handing out condiment packs I have collected from my delivery orders. 🤷🏻♂️
[bedroom]
Me: I’ve been bad, I need to be punished
Her: *turns tv volume to an odd number*
Me: no please I forgot the safe word
*sits the ceo of ziplock down in an empty room* I have someone I’d like you to meet. *sits down the person in charge of cereal packaging* Figure it out.
Lord give me the strength to stop buying a sausage roll every single time I pass somewhere that sells sausage rolls.
My father claims there’s nothing like being independent and yet he hasn’t washed a dish since 1975.
ps5 is how I abbreviate pspspspsps
Target employee: Describe your lost item
Me: It’s a $400 rose gold Tory Burch wallet with 87 cents and 12 maxed out credit cards inside
my wife slo-mo diving across the living room to knock the remote out of my hand as i try to watch a sci-fi movie under her profile
Death certificates are our last participation award.
I wish Play-Doh tasted as good as it smells.
I wish I would remember that it doesn’t.
I know I joke a lot on my posts, but on a serious note, I need everyone to wish me luck…
I have a meeting at the bank later and if it’s a success, I will be out of debt and own everything I have now.
I’m so excited I can barely put on my ski mask…
Wheel of Fortune contestants in Canada should get to buy more vowels.
Pains me to say it, but I have chapped lips.
The “t” in “Christmas” is silent.
Be like the “t” in “Christmas.”
[during sex]
Him: punish me baby
Me: OK *hides the TV remote*
Him: that’s not what i m—
Me: *puts on a playlist of his favorite band but it’s all their new stuff*
Him: omg please, stop
After months of trying, I finally have a runner’s body. His shoes too. Also a really nice pair of headphones & his Fitbit. He was in shape.
Nothing gets you out of the Christmas mood faster than wrapping gifts.
me: *falls down stairs*
kind stranger: oh, you poor thing!
me: *tears in my eyes* why did you have to bring my finances into this
Verizon is selling off tumblr already, like someone who bought a doll at a garage sale that was labeled “WARNING: THIS DOLL IS HAUNTED”, took it home, got tormented by a ghost, then went “hey, I think this thing is haunted”
My 6yo: (looking outside) It’s raining
My 10yo: but not pouring
Me: and the old man is not snoring
6yo:
10yo:
Me:
6yo: YOU’RE an old man
Me: 😑
Doctor: Your son is lactose intolerant
Me: Oh my god
[later that day]
Me [runs into field and punches a cow]: That’s for inventing milk