Me: it’s just a few spoonfuls of ice cream, why are you freaking out?

Him: that’s a ladle

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I love going to the dentist. He fills all my cavities. Then checks my teeth.


A “Purge” comedy where two pals accidentally kill someone a week before the purge and try to fake the person’s life until the murder would be legal.


Doctor: how often do you consume alcohol; like, once a week, three or four times a week, every day?

Me [sipping wine out of a travel cup]: ummm… occasionally


*Filling out application*
Sex: “no thanks”

Well maybe I should write yes… I really need this job. You know what? Yeah sure I’ll take sex.


I don’t understand what you mean by ‘stop drinking so much’. How else will you know how much I love you at 2am every day?


I support Greenpeace because I care about environmental activism, just not enough to do any of the real work myself.


People who tweet about politics should have to pass a small test: if i say “Oh, look, a dead bird,” and you look UP, we take your phone away


woke up just in time to push my cat off the bed before he threw up. today is going to be magical.