@Pork_Chop_Hair

Me: it’s just a few spoonfuls of ice cream, why are you freaking out?

Him: that’s a ladle

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@4Crocs

I love going to the dentist. He fills all my cavities. Then checks my teeth.

@DanSpenser

A “Purge” comedy where two pals accidentally kill someone a week before the purge and try to fake the person’s life until the murder would be legal.

@Mom_Overboard

Doctor: how often do you consume alcohol; like, once a week, three or four times a week, every day?

Me [sipping wine out of a travel cup]: ummm… occasionally

@SatansTongue

*Filling out application*
Sex: “no thanks”

Well maybe I should write yes… I really need this job. You know what? Yeah sure I’ll take sex.

@LaniBeno

I don’t understand what you mean by ‘stop drinking so much’. How else will you know how much I love you at 2am every day?

@FloodyHippie

I support Greenpeace because I care about environmental activism, just not enough to do any of the real work myself.

@lloydrang

People who tweet about politics should have to pass a small test: if i say “Oh, look, a dead bird,” and you look UP, we take your phone away

@ProudFFAalumni

woke up just in time to push my cat off the bed before he threw up. today is going to be magical.