Me: It’s late. Go to sleep.
Brain: K.
Me:
Brain:
Me: *kinda dozing off*
Brain: WHY WOULD HORSES EVEN TRY TO PUT AN EGG BACK TOGETHER?
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Do you know what happens after 8 tequila shots?
Me neither.
Don’t rub your happiness in people’s faces this Valentine’s Day. Let the couples enjoy themselves for once.
teenage son: [mad at me] I WISH I WAS BATMAN [slams door]
me: ok lol
[later]
me: hey what the f-
Many parents are faced with a daunting task during the quarantine: how to ground a child when we’re all grounded.
Hot girls tweet things like “his words. my curves. pain. my soul. barbecue sauce” and get 27k likes WTF is this app
When I’m eating shared nachos I’m always thinking 3 nacho moves ahead of my opponent.
Y’all!! I’m dying I ordered delivery to my hotel and here they have a robot that takes it up to you. The robot got here and then REFUSED to give me my food and instead just said “going home now” and drove off. Haha the future is WILD y’all
30% of parenting is making yourself the bad guy so your kids will unite against you and get along for a little while.
The 5 Most Important Films (and the Life Lessons They Teach)
1. Armageddon (space is scary)
2. Jaws (the ocean is scary)
3. Terminator 2 (the future is scary)
4. My Girl (bees are scary)
5. Weekend at Bernie’s (putting sunglasses on a corpse and taking him jet-skiing is fun!)
I ate a kids meal at Wendy’s
his mom was furious
Them: Have you tried dieting?
Me: Have you ever tried pizza?
I buried a time capsule when I was 9. This is the year we are going to dig it up.
I can’t wait to see how big my puppy got.
“All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…”– list of girls who wouldn’t talk to me in high school
Priest: do you take this woman
Me: I do
[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]
Me: -not
[guy who’s about to invent urinals]
*peeing* i hate having privacy
[david attenborough voice] wolves, also known as nature’s best animal, have been cool for hundreds of thousands of years
OMG! Imagine being in a room with all of your exes!
*imagines room of people playing ps4 and ignoring me*
“Voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop.”
-corduroys
Friend: Pics or it didn’t happen
Picasso: Here
Friend: Ok, that doesn’t actually clear anything up
everybody’s a toughguy until they have to use a screwdriver overhead for two minutes
Me: *grimaces, accepts call*
Mother: You never visit, I could have fallen, I can’t find that stupid cane, and my hemorrhoids are KILLING me!
Me: Meow
I thought I put my 9 year old to bed hours ago and he just casually walked out of the playroom and said, “Think I’ll go to bed now, I’m beat.”
It’s 11:15 pm.
Me: hello I’ve run out of toilet paper
Front desk: oh I’m sorry for the inconvenience
Me: oh no worries, but I’ve also run out of towels
When I’m empty-handed my dog doesn’t know what the word ‘sit’ means, but if I have a treat she can perform neurosurgery.
My lyft driver had a nice Jeep Cherokee. I said “What year is this?” He had no idea I was talking about the car. Ride was weird after that.
*at confessional
Priest: ‘Wait. Didn’t I forgive you for that last week?’
Me: ‘Please don’t make this any harder than it has to be.’
COWORKER: Wanna come to my NYE party?!
ME: Aww… I would, but I already have plans.
MORGAN FREEMAN: He did not have plans.
If you see my wife at the store, tell her to put some of that stuff back.
*toddler screaming in car seat*
Husband: Sounds like someone needs a nap when we get home.
Me: I know. Totally. Wake me up around 4?
the dog ran into a fence chasing a squirrel. she doesn’t look anything like me but she’s mine. i can tell