Me: It’s late. I guess I’ll go to bed.
-My brain, who up until now has always been the logical one “Let’s put up a tent in the living room”
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[commercial for soup]
Have you ever wanted to eat regular food only with water poured all over it?
NARRATOR: SOUP
A very sad, cold hearted person sent an anonymous letter to my wife stating I was having an affair with a woman friend. I wasn’t. What has happened in their life to make them do that? However, the fact my wife and daughter thought it was so preposterous was really annoying.
do horses think humans are hats
How about a horror gameshow called “The Price is Right Behind You”
Fishing for compliments like “I’m a mess in this photo that I took all morning to get the right angle and filter and after 50 selfies this is me”.
My debate style is more like Teddy Roosevelt. I carry a big stick in one hand, a sword in the other, and wait for you to agree.
Why can’t we have a civil debate?
– people who can’t even stay on topic
Genie: And your second and third wish?
Me: [just killing it on banjo now that my fingers are slightly less fat than they used to be] No need
Be right back. My son who’s slitting enemy throats in “Call of Duty” is screaming for me to kill a centipede.
Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.
Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.
so ur trying to tell me a buffalo chicken made this dip
(Guy who has only seen Les Miserables and Aladdin watching a third movie) When does he steal the bread?
Don’t take this wrong but if I see another baby Star Wars character I’m gonna dismember everyone
There is no worse place to receive bad news than sitting in a beanbag chair.
Some bloke on FB called me a clown. Now I’ve got to go hide under his bed with a knife cause that’s what clowns do.
11:30 – Sit on toilet, open Twitter.
11:54 – Try to stand, fall to floor with numb legs.
11:55 – Get comfortable on floor, open Twitter.
Me: I should sleep.
Brain: No we must stay on Twitter and correct everyone erroneously identifying a beluga as a dolphin in a meme.
Guys I went to the department store today to by a toaster over and they made me wear pants and I wouldn’t because this isn’t the America I signed up for and I know the constitution so I left with no pants and no toaster oven thanks a lot.
Hairdresser: what’ll it be
Me: a haircut, dipshit
I just want to put my hair in a cute little messy bun and not look like a sumo wrestler.
GF: “Call me ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
Me: “Hi ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
As a child I had the impression that I would be offered free drugs by strangers much more frequently than the 0 times it’s happened.
how is everyone so excited about a scary month after *checks notes* like 250 of them in a row
My Dad always used to say “Into each life some rain must fall.”
Lovely man, terrible roofer.
You’re old you’re excited to learn how to play Mahjong
It’s fine when Santa does it, but when I see you when you’re sleeping & know when you’re awake it’s “creepy” and “sir, you’re under arrest”
[the first ever boomerang]
HIM: Get rid of it
ME [scared] I can’t
It was the kind of movie that kept you on the edge of your seat, waiting for something interesting to happen.
Real bees work best
