@iscoff
My uncle started shouting at me about my “misuse” of emoticons and had a heart attack 😉
@sofarrsogud
ME: It’s like The Goonies meets E.T. meets The X Files.
FRIEND: You talking about Stranger Things?
ME: [hiding my screenplay, The Goonet Files, behind my back] Totally. Yeah.
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@iscoff
@neiltyson
Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, I wonder how we’re supposed to imitate them on the dance floor.
@ozzyunc
A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.
@TeaPartyCat
Duck Dynasty guy is right– if we baptize all those ISIS guys, Iraq will be safe because Christians never start wars for bullshit reasons.
@PetrickSara
My birth control is my 5yo running around in circles at 5am screaming “I have so much energy! I have so much energy! I have so much energy!”
@floofyginger
how can med students be sick,like bro just look at your notes
@BBerrymore
The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate
@T_N_Crumpets
Rival Gang Leader:
Me:
Rival Gang Leader’s mom: [nudges son] go on
Rival Gang Leader: sorry I tried to shoot you
@Megatronic13
Me: oh wow, do I detect just a hint a peppermint?
Cellmate: *stabbing me in the neck with a Candy Cane shiv* what is wrong with you?!
@dksc4life
pilot: ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. we have just reached our cruising altitude of 15,000 feet
guy with massive foot fetish: *visibly sweating*