@sofarrsogud

ME: It’s like The Goonies meets E.T. meets The X Files.

FRIEND: You talking about Stranger Things?

ME: [hiding my screenplay, The Goonet Files, behind my back] Totally. Yeah.

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@iscoff

My uncle started shouting at me about my “misuse” of emoticons and had a heart attack 😉

@neiltyson

Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, I wonder how we’re supposed to imitate them on the dance floor.

@ozzyunc

A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.

@TeaPartyCat

Duck Dynasty guy is right– if we baptize all those ISIS guys, Iraq will be safe because Christians never start wars for bullshit reasons.

@PetrickSara

My birth control is my 5yo running around in circles at 5am screaming “I have so much energy! I have so much energy! I have so much energy!”

@BBerrymore

The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate

@T_N_Crumpets

Rival Gang Leader:
Me:
Rival Gang Leader’s mom: [nudges son] go on
Rival Gang Leader: sorry I tried to shoot you

@Megatronic13

Me: oh wow, do I detect just a hint a peppermint?

Cellmate: *stabbing me in the neck with a Candy Cane shiv* what is wrong with you?!

@dksc4life

pilot: ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. we have just reached our cruising altitude of 15,000 feet

guy with massive foot fetish: *visibly sweating*